Lowers time

I have been feeling very low for the past few days. Something happened beyond my imagination. Now I completely have no mood for anything. What I know is - I get upset very fast, feeling very sad and tears keep dropping.

I don't have the mood to talk to anyone including my friends. When I'm alone in the room, I feel very sad. I keep thinking and thinking. I feel like I'm going crazy, but I try my best not to break down.

Dear God, please help me to pull through.

Depression

On Wednesday, 30 January 2013, I went for my regular neurology check-up. This time I expect to see any of the doctors' inside the room and get my medication. Instead I was called into Dr. Eow Gaik Bee room. She is the head of Neurology and she used to see me.

Dr. Eow is a very kind, understanding and soft hearted person. It's very hard to find a head of Neurology with this kind of nature.

When she saw me, she asked how was my mood. I told her I am ok. I do not know what prompted me to asked her this question. "Dr. am I suffering from depression and she immediately says "yes". She told me all the feelings that I have and it's really true  I also read in the internet of all the symptoms' of depression and I have most of it.

She had a long talk with me about my problem and refer me to the psychiatric department. This is what I feels' mostly everyday when I'm alone - anger, frustration, loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness and mostly isolate myself in my room.

I tried my best to stay active and forget about my problems, but certain time all these feelings will come onto me. It makes me feel very miserable and terrible about myself.

This is what I face these few years. I try to fight against it, yet I fail. Thank God until now, I'm still ALIVE!

Body more stable

Whenever my maid is free in the evening, we will go down to my apartment lobby. She will help me to walk with me holding the railing. Usually she hold my back for support, but now she doesn't hold me anymore. Only i hold her shoulder for support. I'm happy I can walk much easier now.

My maid is like my trainer - pushing and encouraging me everyday. I feel lighter and easier to walk now. I'm just like a baby who is learning to walk.

Walking without anyone holding

This morning I walked without my maid holding me, but she was behind to guard me. I could balance myself more now. Even though it's very difficult to walk, I will not give up.

I will try to walk further each day. Sometimes, my body condition doesn't permit me to go on, that is where I need to slow down. I cannot push my body limit, if not I will fall again.

Learning to walk

                                                           My special walker

One of dream is walking. When I see people walking I really envy them. They can go out wherever and whenever they like. I wish to be like one of them.

Recently my brother in-law made a walker for me. I was so happy because I was searching for this type of walker for some time. Several years ago, I borrowed this walker from the Spastic Centre and I could walked.

Now every morning with the help of my maid I'm learning to walk outside my apartment .Even though it was a very difficult process of walking as I have been in the wheelchair for over forty years. I must have the determination to slowly take one step by step to reach my gold.

Before I start walking, I pray to God to give me the strength to walk. With God's help's, I know I will be able to walk

A dip in my apartment swimming pool

Today 5pm in the evening, I went into my apartment swimming pool for the second time. Even though I love swimming so much, but I rarely have the chance to go inside the pool because of the difficulty of taking me down. Since today weather is good, I decided to go down the pool alone with my maid's and niece, Sherine help. My maid was around the pool to see me.

When I floated in the water with a tube around my body, I felt all bad thoughts flew away, instead I felt very happy. The water today was very cold, I went down the pool for half an hour. Though it was a short time, but I had a nice time.

Goodbye 2012

Days, weeks, months passed by without waiting for anyone. Before anyone knows it, it’s the end of 2012 again. While people are happy looking forward for the New Year celebration, my heart is sad because I will be sitting in my room in front of my computer.

Never once in my life have I able to celebrate New Year Eve outside my house with friends. I have accepted my fate to be in my home hearing and seeing the fireworks through my house window.  I treat this occasion as just any normal day.

This year passes by just as usual. Everyday I go to my Janice (my sister) house to help her with the computer work.  I learn many things from her. In the beginning, I thought the work would be very boring.  But it turned out to be really interesting.

Middle of March, we have two days of Boccia competition between Penang and Perak. Even though I’m a BC4 category, but I was place under BC2 because there were no other BC4 players. After two tiring and interesting days, I won a gold medal.

Because my spasm continue to attack my body everyday and certain days it came very severe until I couldn’t do anything the whole day. In April, I decided to seek help from neurology in KL. I found his email address online, so I emailed him. I was really happy when I received his email. He is a Professor. I thought he could help me with my sickness. We correspond through few emails and he asked me to go down KL to see him. I was happy Janice was willing to take me down KL together with mum. Since Denis had meeting, he drove us to University Hospital.

My happiness was short lifted when the Professor told me, he couldn’t help me. He asked me to see my neurology in Penang. My heart sank with disappointment because I went all the way to KL to seek his help and he saw me less than 10mins. I was very sad the whole day.  I even cried in the car, thinking a Professor couldn’t help my sickness. I tried to accept the fate that none of the doctors’ could help me.

At the end April, my good friends gave me some good news, saying his boss wanted to hire me as a part time worker as a content editor for their company. This company provides jobs for disabled at home. I was really happy and excited because this is good company wanted to hire me. 

Before I start my job, my friend taught me how to handle the work. He gave trial work for few day to try for few days. In the beginning of May I start this job. Even though they called it a part time job, but to me it’s a full time job because I worked the whole day and night, 7 days a week. I couldn’t do my job as fast as they wanted but I did my best and took this job very seriously.

But my happiest lasted only 3 months when they (boss) took off my job without my knowledge.  At that moment, I really felt like an idot. People want me to work they hire me, but when they don't want me, they just dumped me. Don’t I get any respect? What I have learnt from the few pass jobs was never put too much trust on people who hire me.  Whatever come and go, take them as a lesson.

Even though, I took up this job yet I still helped Janice with her work. That 3 months really took away every negative things away from my mind. I was happy concentrating on my work instead of thinking of all the bad things.

After my job was taken away, my depression and negative thoughts came back to me again. I tried my best to fight against it.

Beginning of September, my dad contacted with a virus called “ BELL’S PALSY’. He was admitted in the hospital for two days for a complete check-up. Before that, my dad had been feeling very weak.  Now he is down with this sickness and cannot go anywhere or do anything much except rest in his room.

Thinking of my past, dad has been taking me everywhere I wanted to go. Sometime thinking of him, I miss him taking me out. I took my dad for granted that until he is sick than I missed the things he has done for me.

In December I had the most experience taking the Rapid Bus. I’m happy I took this challenge of going out on public transport together with my maid.

This is my experience for this year.  Everything I did, God was behind me,  only that I didn’t see or feel it. Everything I did, I did my very best.  I thank God for helping me through 2012.

For my other my activities, do refer to my other posts’.

Another interesting experience

On 13 December, I went for an outing with my OT staff, trainees' and patients' to Queensbay Mall by bus. I had a good experience because I have always wanted to ride a bus to Queensbay Mall.

For other OT patients', it was a learning experience on how to ride a bus, buy food stuff from Jusco, the department store. Me and a few trainees' went to other floors'

to buy few other things.

At 12pm all of us gathered at the food court for lunch. While waiting for our food, we got to know each others'. Few disabled boys who came with us was chatting and laughing on another table.

After lunch, we headed to the bus stop outside the mall and catch the bus back

to the hospital.

I really enjoyed this outing because I had a different experience.

A really happy day

I couldn't imagine years passes so fast that I'm over fourth now. I thank God that I could live until this age.

I'm so thankful to God I have a family who celebrate my birthday every year. We went to Gurney Plaza for lunch at BBQ Plaza Restaurant.  Even though the food wasn't that good but we enjoyed the company of each other. After lunch we went for window shopping.

Because I went with my maid by bus and my family drove Julie there. My family went back first because Julie needed to rest. I went back later by bus.

In the evening after dinner, Janice and family came to cut my birthday cake with me. They bought me a blueberry cheesecake. It was really nice to eat. Everyone was chit-chatting while enjoying the cake.

Though I didn't celebrate with any of my friends', some of them remembered my special day and text me messages

I'm grateful and thankful to God for my family who loves and care for me throughout my life.

Great disappointment

This year our Paralimpid Malaysia was held in Pahang from 9 - 14 December. My friends' and I from our Boccia team trained every Saturday and for the children, they trained during school days. I went for training mostly every week and there were a few teachers' came to help us picked the balls.

One afternoon in the mid of November, Joe, my coach called me and told me I have been pulled out from the competition as BC4, my catagory have only two players. They don't allow two players, but must have three.

Upon hearing the news, I was truly dishearten and was really sad as I was looking forward the tournement. I practice so hard, I even brought the balls' back home to practice at my apartment lobby. I kept praying for some miracle that they could find another BC4, but miracle didn't happen.

I had to slowly accept the fact that I would not be joining my Boccia team to Pahang. When God decide something we have to accept it even though with a heavy heart. We cannot fight against God, but accept His will.

My 1st Rapid bus ride

Sunday, 18 November, I took my 1st Rapid bus ride together with my maid. I used my power wheelchair and we walked around 10mins to the main road to catch the bus.

We went to Gurney Plaza for shopping and came back in the evening. Even thought it was only a short ride, but I learned something, going out by myself with my helper and take public transport. The bus ride only cost RM0.70 for disabled and RM1.40 for able body.

From then on, I had 4 other bus ride even until Tesco Tg. Bungah. It was really interesting and I'm happy that I have learn new things this year. I hope I will take more bus ride in future

Having activities with the stroke patient's

On November 9, 2012, I had a great morning with the Occupation Therapy's friends'. The department organized a half a day programme for the patients'. I was invited to join them (the stroke patients')

The programme started with some talk from the doctors' and the opening of the programme. We were divided into groups'and was given some daily activities to play and challenge between other groups'. Our group contain of 5 people won't
the challenge.

It was a nice morning mixing with other stroke patient's and get to know their sickness and suffering.

Mum's birthday

Yesterday we celebrated our beloved mum's birthday. This year we didn't go out anywhere to eat. My sister Janice bought food home from outside that she likes. My mum also cooked some fried mee. We had a great time together during lunch and dinner. Since yesterday was a public holiday, my brother in-law also join us for lunch.

Relatives and friends'remembered my mum birthday and wished her. My cousin came to our house with lot of food stuff for mum as a birthday gift. We bought her a birthday cake and sang birthday song.

Even though mum was busy the whole day yet she had a good birthday because all of us love and care for her.

My experience in Rapid Bus & Penang Hill

I would like to share my experience with you about my trip to Penang Hill which I went with my Occupation Theraphy and other patients' few months ago.

We went by Rapid bus. It was a great experience for me.

Blank mind

I have so many things I want to share, but my mind is blank that I don't know how to put words into writing. I don't have the mood and the inspiration to say what my heart desire to say.

Trap at home

Life at home is like a prison for me. Why I say so? It's because I'm trap in my house. I cannot go anywhere without transport and personal helper.

Though I have a loving family, yet my parents is getting old and they cannot bring me out any longer. My eldest sister has a family of her own. She is always busy with her work and taking care of her family.

I yearn so much to go out yet my main problems are transportation and a personal helper It's not easy find both of these. Now, even wanting go out to do some things is also very hard as I can't find any transport. My family members' are the only people who help me, but I can't depend on them too much as they are busy.

Now, my life is always at home - many times I get very frustrated and depress as
seeing others go out so easily.

Try putting yourself in my place and you will understand how I feel.

Julie happiest day

Yesterday we celebrated Julie my youngest sister 36th birthday. Our family took her to Gurney Plaza for lunch and shopping as she hardly go out. We took her round the shopping mall and to her favourite place, CD shop. She indeed had a great outing.

When we came home, we bought her a cake to cut. She was really happy the whole day. Each year she looks forward for her birthday because she get the chance to go out. I love her very much so on her special day and Christmas Day I will buy gifts that she likes.

Each birthday is a bonus for her because doctor's told us she could live only up to a year old as she was very sickly when young. She couldn't even talk until she was 5 years' old. Now she already has 36 birthdays' she is very lively and talk non-stop. Because she is a miracle child, I will always try to make her happy.

God has made her so well now. She he is happy as God is within her to make smile and cheerful always.

Communication break down

Today I don't feel as active as the previous day when I wrote my post. Now is 6.30pm, I feel so sleepy and don't have any mood. I'm in front of  my computer alone in my room listening to the radio.

I feel really tired but I yearn to write. At this moment I'm thinking of my life. I wish to have able bodies friends' who can take out for outing or shopping during weekends. Even now I wish there are friends' to take me out.. That's only a wish.

Loneliness is creping within me. I don't have friends who calls me and I don't anyone to share my feeling.  Because I seldom talk to my family members or share my feeling with them. I also hardly talk to my friends'  after our disagreement 2 years ago. Now I find it very hard talking to them. When we meet, I talk very little to them. Though I want to talk to them, I need to think before I speak. That's why I  always keep silence.

Because I hardly communicate , I don't really know how to converse with people. Despite I don't have friends' , I have my God to talk with. I can tell Him anything, He listen to all my problems. He is always there for me.

Overcoming the hurt

Days move without waiting for anyone. When we wake up in the morning, doing our daily task the whole day. Before we knew it's night again. Can you imagine 24 hours a day keeps moving.

Days become weeks. Weeks become months and become years.

Thinking back, my 2 nieces were only kids years back. Without knowing it, they have become young ladies. Sometimes I can't imagine time flies so fast.

I've gone through a lot of tough times. I believe it makes my inner spirit stronger and stronger which made me won't give up in life. Despite of my sickness and my struggled and challenges, I feel like giving up. Yet in some ways I didn't.

Many people insult and look down on me because I cant do much things because of my spasm. Because I'm on medication and it's makes me feel sleepy and tired. They only sees my out look.

People who knows me since young yet they don't seem to understand my condition, instead they look down on me. Even people who knew me from childhood days also insulted me. It's hard to imagine that!

I tried my best to forget on what they had to me, yet it hurt me deeply.

This is why in my preview posts I shared about my hurt, disappointment loneliness etc., but the main thing I didn't break down. I still carry on with a brave heart.

I know GOD is always with me and HE sees my broken heart. HE still loves me very much.

Seeing the positive side of life

I just remember my 'baby' which I ignored for the past 6 month.

After my last few posts which were so 'negetive', I tried to change myself not to think of all of all the sad things, but to leave them behind. I'm trying my best to see the positive side of life. There is more peace in my heart now, though sometimes the bad thought still flash in my mind. I try to remove it out of my mind by thinking of good things. It's not worth thinking of it and make myself unhappy again. Though I'm not completely happy, yet I have peace in my heart.

I have very few friends now, but I don't have any worries or sad about it because I realise having less friends is better many friends. Why? Having more friends who don't understand us better than few friends who understand us. This is a fact I heard from the radio. And I have learn from it.

Even though my friend seldom contact me, I don't take it to heart. Each of us have to go our way sooner or later. I have a real friend who is very close to my heart and HE my GOD. I talk to HIM about everything and he understand my feeling. He see me through everything. Sometimes I still ask God what's HIS plan, that's the only question has never been answered. So I continue with my daily life. Whatever God's plan for me, I believe it will be good because HE is the ONE who created me.