Loneliness

I feel as if I lost all of my confidence since this 7 months. I just knew I'm not the Anne before that full of life. Now i feel so low esteem and can't express what I want to say or tell others. I really feel so down and don't to talk to anyone in my centre. I'm so frustrated everyday that I do very badly in my work. I can't seem to improved myself. The most terrible feeling I face everyday is feeling very lonely.
It has been quiet sometime since I had such feeling of loneliness. I feel really terrible. What I did everyday is keep silence. I never look forward to go to work. My heart is so heavy like dragging myself to a place where I hate to go. Only God knows how I feel!

A beautiful gaun

This afternoon while wheeling myself along a row of shops in Gurney Plaza in the 1st floor, I saw a shop selling very beautiful white gauns. It is my dream gaun which I love to wear on my wedding day. It may sound crazy, but it is really my dream gaun. A dream is just a dream.
Whether my dream may come true or not, it is God who arrange my future.

A great disappointment

Early this morning I received a really disappointed news (sms) from my Boccia teacher. Our trip to Singapore for Boccia game has been canceled. My heart felt apart after getting the news. I have been training twice a week for the past 1 and 1/2 months together with another friend who won a gold medal for the catagory BC3 in the paralimpic. Both of us are supposed to represent Penang for Singapore Boccia Game. We are suppose to join Kuala Lumpur and Johor team to go to Singapore.
I was really looking forward for this trip but I know it would be very difficult for me to travel. Because all of us will be travelling by train and I have never travel by train before.

Playing Boccia is my interest and it is a great opportunity to enter into the international but I lost this chance again. This is the 2nd time I was choosen to play, but due to lack of helpers, I didn't get the chance to enter. The last Boccia International game was held in Kuala Lumpur in 2006.

Anyhow, if I have the chance I also can't go as last minute because my mum suddenly have very high blood pressure. She is supposed to be my helper in Singapore, due to her sickness she can't go. My maid also is not allowed to follow me as she need to do the house work.

This is God's will and I have to accept it. He knows what is best for me and I can't go against Him.

An empty heart

Half of 2008 has passed and I still feel emotionally down. I feel as if I'm treated with no respect and very lowly. I feel very frustrated pratically everyday and many times I feel very much like crying my whole heart out, but it is never easy for me to cry.

What is making me feel this way? I, myself is still searching for that answer. I have a good family, an understading boyfriend and my group of friends yet my heart is still feeling empty like something is missing. Where is the happiness which I have before?

I feel like running away as far as I can. I'm not running away from my problem but away from the people here. I can't see to have the happy feeling like my colleagues who are so happy everyday.
There are so many things I dream of, yet I haven't achieved it. So I'm not satisfied with life. I know I won't be to get everything I dreamed of, but until now I have achieved at lease 40% of it. I know that is good enough, yet I still feel so sad and empty.
At this moment sitting infront of my pc, I really feel like crying.