Goodbye 2011

This year has gone absolutely fast... Time goes by without waiting for anyone. Again today is the last day of 2011

I thank God for giving me another year of life. There is no bed of roses in our life, so is mine. It has been a challenging year and I had been through a tough time – emotionally.

I felt very frustrated, sad, lonely, depressed and discouraged with many things. The main thing is I felt very sad and lonely.

Beginning of this year as I was too desperate, I searched and found Couseling Centre.
I saw a counselor for 8 months and shared all my problem with her. She listened and advice me on what to do. I was happy that I found someone whom I could share my problems with. I was sad that we couldn’t continue our session as she has to future her studies. I do miss our time together.

I was only happy for 4 months as I was offered a home base work (working at home). I was busy with my work that I didn’t think much about problems. At the moment I did so well on my job. But for a reason, God took my job away. I felt really depressed that I kept asking God why He took my job away. But there was no answer and I had to accept the fact.

Even though I have a loving family, yet I couldn’t share/talk to anyone of them. What I felt was emptiness inside my heart. Many times, I wished I could go out whenever I want yet I can’t, because I have to depend on other’s to help me. My family member can't take me out everytime.

I felt so disheartened that I nearly break down. There was no purpose in my life. Everyday I sat in my room and felt so lonely. I can't share my problems with any of my family members and I don’t have any friends whom I can talk with. I tried my best to be happy yet I can’t.

I didn’t face any excitement throughout the year. Everyday was the same daily routine and I felt so dull.

Some weekends, I would go out with my friends in the van. When we reached our destination, we had lunch together. I didn't have much topic to talk to my friends' After lunch I went shopping/window shopping by myself as I wanted to be myself.

In end of September, we were forced to move out from our rented house which we stay for 23 years. The owner has given us few months notice yet we can’t find a suitable apartment.

At last the owner gave us one week notice to move out of the house. You cannot imagine how hectic it was it for our whole family. Last minute, with God’s grace He found a family who wanted to rent their apartment. My dad and sister went to see the place, my dad loves the apartment. Without much thought, we took the apartment.

Relatives and friends came to help us to move our furniture and things. Less than a week we moved into our new apartment. After staying here for 3 months, I still missed my old house. I really feel sad upon leaving that house, but life has to go on.

My family love our new home, so do I . We knew God specially has choose this home for us because it’s big enough for our furniture and things. And all our wheelchairs’ can get into this apartment.

It took us around a month to settle down. I like this apartment because it’s more airy than our old house. I was glad that my room is big enough to put my computer. It has been my desire for a long time to have a computer in my room.

During my birthday in December my family took me out few days earlier for lunch to celebrate my birthday . On my “special day”, It was just a usual day instead of “my special”. I sat in my room, in front of my computer the whole day. Again I felt the loneness and emptiness crept inside me.

This is what I faced in 2011. I can say it wasn’t a good year for me yet I thanked God for bring me through the whole year without breaking down. Instead He made me stronger.

What is life???

What I feel in my heart at this moment is emptiness. I have no friends whom I can trust to express my feelings. When I recalled my past, I was really happy with so many friends. Now everything seems to be gone. What is left - is always me alone. Even though I have a boyfriend, yet I feel the loneliness within me. Why? Why?

There is nothing seem to be able to make me happy. What is there in life??? What I know are most people I know look down on me. It's due to my spasm which prevent me from improving. Instead of accepting my condition, they belittle me. This make me really dislike them.

What I experience now is loneliness... Dear God please take away this loneliness!!!

Loneliness

I haven't been updating my blog for the past few months because I completely have no inspiration or mood to write.

I feel so lost and I keep feeling depress everyday. I don't understand what is God's purpose in my life. I can't feel the happiness in my heart. Why?

I have everything yet I'm not happy. I'm sure what is happening to me. Dear God please help me!!!

Swinging Mood

I don’t know why these days I have terrible swinging mood. One day I can be in good mood, another day I can be frustrated or sad. I guess I’m like the sun and the rain. I find it very difficult to cope with these moods.

Many times, I want to think positive yet I can’t. The negative feeling will cover it. I heard it from someone that when we feel/think negative, we must cover it with positive thinking. It’s not easy though, but we must try our best to do it.

People can say it so simple, but it’s so hard to do it. I know it as I have tried before and I’m still trying my best to think positive.

A cooling sunday morning

It’s a gloomy Sunday as it has been raining the whole morning. I’m really glad it rain.
Because the weather has been very hot the past few days, it cooled down the temperature. At least it’s not that hot now.

Whatever happen, we just have to accept it

It has been few months since I last update my post. I have been busy with my home base job. My job is home base job - "Facebook Social Media Marketing". It was an interesting job.

I can say working at home is completely different from working outside. It is like a coin with two sides. Working outside I can meet and mix with more people/friends, while working at home – is between me and the computer.

For me, working at home is definitely much easily as physically I need help. So my family members can help me anytime. But mentally I can go crazy because I don’t have anyone to talk nor do I get the chance to go out and mix with the outside world.

Now I realize it’s better to work outside than at home. If given me two choice, I prefer to work outside. But job oppotunitely don’t come so easy severely disabled. We have to grab it wherever it comes our way.

These four months I have learn a lot of thing through my job. It was a good experience for me. I thank my boss for being patient in teaching me many things.

If God give you something and then He suddenly takes it away, we have to accept it. He knows everything ahead of us.

Finally CNY is over!!!

I didn’t post up any post lately because I’ve been busy lately. Sunday is the only free time I have.

I can’t believe another 8 more days is the end of February. I’m so happy Chinese New Year is finally over. Yeah!!!!! The first day of New Year was the worst day as more than 20 over relatives ( uncle, cousins and their children) was in my house! Can you believe that? It was like “pasar petang” in my house. As I’m not close to any of my cousins’, I went to my room and take a nab. I’m so glad the big occasion is over.

Even though I didn’t look forward for Chinese New Year, anyhow I had a pleasant time during that 2 weeks. It was because I didn’t treat it as New Year occasion, butI just treat it as normal days.

Misses all my children

Because of my severe spasm which attacked me everyday and the pressure I have working with the severe young adults, I had to quit my job. You will not know how sad I was to leave my working place after five months there. I began to love and care for all the young adults because each individual are God’s special child.

Every morning when my dad wheeled me into my work place, most of the “children” would wish me Good morning. It's such warm feeling. I’m so happy to see their faces everyday.

Joblink Centre is a happy working place for all these young adults. It’s like a home for them where they meet each other everyday. Even though the centre is like a “pasar malam” yet you can feel very comfortable working with them.

Since the day I resign from job, I missed all the “children” very much. I could still hear their voices and I could see their adorable, innocent and happy faces in my mind.

God gave me something good but after five months He took it away. I really cannot understand why. He took me into the world of mentally challenge disabled people and He took me out again. It’s a good experience and challenge working with them. I didn’t want to leave, but the pressure was over my limit. That was why I had to give up.

Dear God, thank you for this short term experience and challenge you gave me.

Changes for 2011

Today is the fourth day of New Year. I will try to change my view in life - that is trying my best to see life more positively. My whole life has been a struggle, so i will try to see the achievement that I have achieve all these years. And try to see my present situation more positiely.