The Difficulty Journey

My name is Anne. I’m suffering from Antasomat Reccessive Inherited CN3 Degenerative Disorder (it means my parents blood doesn’t suit each other). I started having this sickness since I was 2 years old. My physical condition used to be very unstable, but now I’m slightly better. I used to attend the Cerebral Palsy Association of Penang (Spastic) since I was 4 years old for 16 years.

Despite, I’m a severely disabled person, a lot of people think my brain is also disabled. But NO, I can think very well, only that I’m slightly slow in learning certain things. Many people avoided me just because of my disability, but what I wish and hope is to get to know more people and make friends with them.

I’m the second of three daughters in my family. Presently I’m living with my elderly parents. I will be turning 35 end of this year. My whole family are Roman Catholic.

In early 90’s, I used to join the Eden Handicap Service Centre for fellowship every Saturday and some training which were Manderin class Computer class where I learnt my basis Computer knowledge. I even joint the choir group, but I left the Centre when I found myself a job in 1998 with Kemeterian Pembagunan Wanita Pulau Pinang for 6 years, but since 1 year ago I rejoin the Eden Handicap Service Centre as a staff. My job is a receptionis cum clerk.

My hobbies are corresponding, writing stories (on my personal life) net serving, chat with friends, listening to music (love songs/ballad), reading (love story and courageous stories). I have been corresponding with overseas pals since I was a teenage. All my pen-pals come and go out of my life, but I didn’t give up corresponding. At present, I have about 6 to 7 pals from Asia and Europe

I like making friends, hang out with my disabled friends at the shopping mall, I like traveling. I have been to few places in Malaysia eg; Genting Highlands, Kuala Lumpur, Langkawi, Pulau Pangkok, Pedu Lake. In 2003, I got a precious oppotunity to visit Japan for a week to attend a seminar. It was the greatest time I ever had and it will be in my memory for a long time.

My dream is to travel round the world one. I hope my dream will come true.

Love hurts

Falling in love is the most beautiful thing i can imagine off, but it wasn't for me as it is very hard for that someone to love me back. It is one sided love and it's sad when I love the person never return my love. Now, I realise it's never easy to find that someone who can truly love me for who I am, unless that person is sent to me by God. But how would I know he is the right person for me? Only time can tell.

Many times, I have fallen in love with the wrong guy whom I thought he was Mr.Right. Recently, I faced the same problem again. It was during a week when I was in Kuala Lumpur for Boccia tournarment when I met James who is disabled too and suffered from Cerebral Palsy. We were in the Boccia training and tornerment together and with 18 other Cerebral Palsy friends. It was during the training when he approached and talked to me, as being friendly i talked to him.

Only after we went into the hotel for the tournarment, we started getting closer. He and his friend Tony stayed only a few rooms away from mine. As that afternoon, I was feeling bored and lonely, I sms Tony handphone, but his sms return asking my room no. When the phone rang, James was the other side of the line. We talked for nearly half an hour before I hang up.

James was a good player in Boccia and he was a handsome guy. I was attracted to his looks and was admired him. That evening after dinner, to my surprised there was a know on the door. Guess who it was? James wants to come into my room, as a friend I invited him in, with a good intension. He sat and talk to me for a while when Rizuan (his friend) came to call him back. When he was leaving my room, I heard our next door friend saying "Oh you went into the girls room!" It was never dawn to me that guys cannot go into girls room until our next door friend yelled out.

After the tournament i came back, we continue to keep in touch through phone calls and sms. He called me pratically everyday and I sms him too . About 2 weeks later, he asked me if I love him? It was out of a sudden when he asked me that question but at the time I already fell for him? So with thinking much, I accepted him. Between that week, I have thinking what have I done? Accepting a guy whom I knew for less than month, I must be kidding! I didn't think before accepting him. But it was a beautiful when someone love me, calling me "daring" "sayang" and saying "I love you". It really touched my heart. After serious thinking I decided to broke off with him but I knew I did a terrible thing to hurt. A day later, I sms him asking him whether we can continue be friends. He didn't reply me until 3 day later when he called me. I ask him to accept my applogies and we start new again as friends. He agree. Now we are friends again. I don't want to loose him as a friend.

I wish to find a guy who can really love and accept me for who I am. Whom can really accept me and my chair . Who will willing to have a real committement with me. Not only acceping me, but my family too.

I have been praying for this "guy" for years now, but yet I haven't found him.
If he would be the ONE then I will know he is sent to me the by my great God.

Life Goes On

FEAR OF DEATH is everyone’s nightmare. People seldom like to raise this topic, as losing their love ones is a great tragedy. But this is a fact that no one can avoid.

It is especially fearful for the severely disabled because they are mostly dependent on their parents for support, care and help.

Like me, I tend to have this great fear in me of losing my parents one day. As a severely disabled person I need my parents care all the time, though at times I can do certain things myself.

Not me alone, I also think of my future my youngest sister (Julie) as she is disabled too, but she is worst than me. She couldn’t do anything herself, all have to depend on my parents. It’s not the same as for me I can at least do part of the daily things myself and I’m working too. I thank God I can do certain things I do myself instead of depending on my parents completely.

I have share my fears with my mum many times, but her words are always the same TRUST IN GOD, HE WILL TAKE CARE OR YOU. Despite what my mum had said to me, I still fear of my future. Many times I think and plan of going into a Disabled Home, but most of the Homes caters only for physically disabled where they are independent in doing everything themselves.

To your surprise, I even wrote in to couple of Homes asking whether they would take me in. None of them reply back. You must think I’m crazy in doing such thing, asking to get into a Home when you still have your parents to care for you.

Do you know why I’m making such plans? I have the fear that one day I will lose my parents and no one will care for me. Though I have got an eldest sister (Janice) who loves me very much, I don’t think she would be able to care for me as she has a family to care for. So, I don’t think I can depend on her in everything. That is why I’m starting to find a Disabled Home now, but I don’t think this plan can work for the time being as I’m not independent.

I wish and pray that one day the government will build a Home for the severely disabled people. I heard from a friend of mine that there are a group of disabled in Malaysia who are planning for a Home (independent living) for the severely disabled. How far it’s true, I don’t know. If this plan it’s really true, I can be very happy. Now I can just pray and hope that this plan will come to real and the government would implement on this plan.

For now, I don’t want to think that much or else it would drive me crazy. Let God take care of my youngest (Julie) sister and I. We are His precious children, so I shouldn’t be afraid losing my parents one day. I have to put my trust in God in taking care of us.

Whatever happens to our parents, we still have carry on living. We cannot give up just because our parents are gone. We have to move on and lead our life.