Emotionally down

Today is the end of January. This month isn't really good month for me as I'm emotionally down. Everyday I'm fighting with myself to think positive yet all the negetive things keep entering my mind. I feel so moodly everyday since starting of this year. Sometimes, slight comment from others can stiff up my anger. I'm trying to search what is wrong within in myself yet I cannot find out.

Many times my mind go back to the past and that can make me really unhappy. I try not to think about it yet it dawn on me practically everyday. When is God taking me home? This is the question I asked myself very often. My heart doesn't feel like "going home" yet, but I'm very tired of my life. I know I'm not mature enough to handle my problem. I don't know who to ask for help. I need to talk with someone.

I hope next month will be a better month for me - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

One fine afternoon

Last Sunday was the day I looked forward for since the past 3 weeks ago. It was the day I got to meet Ah Pin... I always treasured our time together because we hardly meet due to his work load. Though we spent only half a day, it was a pressures and memoriable time for me.

When he came on Sunday, he bought a hamper for my family as Chinese New Year gift. I was quiet surprised and touched because he doesn't know how to buy things for a girl.

I was very happy when the time we are together... It's special feeling which it's inside my heart...

Ants crawling on the road......

Two days ago was Thaipusam and it was a publi holiday. Since our centre is close on that day mum, Julie, my grandaunt, my maid and I went for a walk outside to see the Kawadis'. There were lots of Indian people and many stalls along the road selling foods, drinks etc... etc...

Mum, Julie and my grandaunt went out to buy some food, while I took my maid (Wati) to see the Kawadis' as she never seen an occasion like this before. We followed the Indians' walking and saw few Indians' and Chinese carrying Kawadis'. We were able to take some photo shot of the 1 elderly man carrying Kawadi. The people were like ants' crawling on the the road and the music were blaring away. We went near the temple and saw many Indians' people selling all sort of things. Within an hour, we went home.

Dinner at Hai Nan Town

On Monday evening, my parents, Julie and I were invited to a dinner at Hai Nan Town Restaurant. It's a newly opened restarant which is situated near the ferry terminal. It's a really nice restaurant as it is facing the sea. The owner didn't only invite Eden Handicap Service Centre, but 2 other disabled centre too.

It was a buffer dinner. Lots of of food served to us. There were some entertainment etc.. malay and indian children dancing. Our table was quiet far from the stage we couldn't see much of the performance. After a full stomach, there was a presentation of gifts to all the children. While presenting gifts to all the children, some of us went to the waterfront. I was enjoying the breeze of the sea when Julie had stomach ache so we left the party.

I was really disappointed when I knew from my colleagues there were Ang Pow and goodies given to everyone. I regreted I went back so early. It was a RM10 Ang Pow.... My hati was so sakit!!!!

A afternoon at Gurney Plaza

Last Sunday, Annah and I went to Gurney Plaza for Chinese New Year shopping. I met her at Elle Shop. She bought a very nice pink bare back dress.

Then we went for lunch at Kim Gary Restaurant at the 3rd floor. It's our regular place where we have lunch. Dispite we are their regular customer, we had to queue to take our sit as there were many people. After ordering our food, we talked about many things. Since we had our free time, we took our time to enjoyed the food.

After paying the bill, we went down to the Ground Floor, we went our seperate ways, Annah went to Giordano while I went to check out Valentino shop because earlier I saw there were 70% discount for some T-shirts. Since the price was quite reasonable, I bought a dark blue T-shirt for Ah Pin. I hope he can wear and like it. Later I went back to Giordano shop to find Annah. She was slightly disappointed as she couldn't find the jeans she wants. Since we still have to time we sat outside the shop and talk.

I went Mac Donald to buy some food while waiting for mum to fetch me back. It was a nice and cooling afternoon at Gurney Plaza since it was a hot day.

A day in Jabil

Last Friday my colleague and I went to Jabil factory to sell Handicraft. The gave us 2 days to sell our things. Earlier 1 day, my 2 other other colleagues went to sell in another branch of the same company.

Few days earlier, when I was asked to sell these handicraft in the factory. The first thing I feared was my toileting problem, as I know most factories don't have disabled toilet. That few days I prayed really hard to God to send people to help me with my toileting. So I went with couraged and the rest I depend on God to help me.

The first thing we went was to the factory's cafeteria (where we sell our things). I was amazed that cafeteria was so big with six computers behind where our things were place. After arranging our things, the factory workers slowly came in. Just a flick of a second, the cafeteria were full of people (most of the workers were young malay ladies). The workers came in and out of the cafeteria none stop. Many of them were impressed with our handicraft and bought our things.

When I wanted to go the toilet, I asked Ah Beng, my colleague to ask people if there's any disabled toilet. Praise God there was a disabled toilet just outside the cafeteria. I could handle myself alone with anyone's help. The disable toilet was very big with ralling at the side. I knew God was helping me all while when I was in the toilet.

When lunchtime came, we bought our food at the cafeteria. I was surpised the food cater for was very cheap. Many dishes were served on the table, we could take any dishes we like and we were given free drinks.

The most important thing was we gain quiet a lot from our sales. I was really happy and relief after that day was over. God was with me throughout that day and He helped me.

A Hot Sunday Afternoon

Today is very hot day. Since none of my friends ask me ask anywhere, I obediently stayed at home. Though I don't usually be at home this time of the hour, I feel slightly funny as I'm always out on Sunday afternoon.

So I'm in front of my computer writing my story and doing other things as well. When come to think of it. If I go out more often I will surely spend my money. So be a good girl and rest at home for one Sunday.

What is Life !

There are few dinners which will be held in my Centre this month, but I completely don't have the heart to attend. The feeling of mixing around with the staff is just not there. The mood is just completely gone.

I don't know why I'm feeling so emotionally down since beginning of this year. My heart feel so empty and heavy that I don't feel like mixing with anyone. I can feel very lonely and depress. I really don't know what to to do. Someone please advice me! I need help.

Happy Birthday My Dear Friend

This afternoon we had a small gathering to celebrate Yeap's birthday. We had lunch at BBQ Chicken Restaurant in Gurney Plaza. Even though, it was a hot day yet we enjoyed the company of each other and also the food.

Annah, Y.Tsang and I shared a family plate of chicken, potatos and salad. The food was quite nice. The rest ordered their own food. This was my first time at this restaurant.

After lunch, we went our seprate ways. Yeap and Ah San went for a movie, Annah, Kar Wei. Y. Tsang and I hanged around the 3rd floor. I went to buy some things while the others checked out handphones.

It was really a nice gathering as we seldom meet so our birthdays is a get together for us all.

Yeap, Happy Birthday. Hope you will be happy on your special day!

One of those days

Since I started my work again after the New Year, I felt very sad, lonely and depressed. I feel life is so meaningless and I don't feel like going on living. I really want someone to hug me and I can cry my heart out. Why do I feel this way suddenly?

When I want to share my problems there is no one there for me, so I keep all things in my heart.

I feel really frustrated and low-self esterm. Many times I hated myself as I don't know how to handle my problem. I'm too dependen on myself without relying on God's to help me. I'm just too sad and my brain is too close on the negetive things. I can't seem to be able to think positive.

I'm trying my best to see things more positively.

Happy 2008 !!!!

Happy New Year 2008! It was a really happy day for me as I spent the whole day with Ah Pin. He picked me up around 12pm then we went for a movie (Alien vs Preditor 2). It was a thrilling movie. I kept jumping up as certain parts of movie as it was quite scary, he hug me tightly. It was a good and exiciting movie.

After the show, we went for lunch. We went for Korean Seafood Mee. We ordered 1 bowl and 2 of us shared. The food wasn't very nice. Later, we went to a quiet place to talked. The time we spent together is very precious to me as I don't get to see him often because of his work time.

We went to Teluk Bahang beach, there were not many people. It was very windy and we could hear the ocean and it was really peaceful. Both of us rested in the car while he took a short nap. When he woke up, we talked about our problems and things that were in our heart. I didn't want the time move, so that we could have more time together. Anyhow time have to go on. So we left the place for dinner.

We went to Face Steak Restaurant for dinner. This is our 4th time there as, it's our favour place. It was quiet and romantic with small lights hanging on the ceiling. There were also candles on each tables. We choose the table by the corner. We had Lamp Chop 1 plate (2 of us shared). There were 2 chinese guy singing chinese songs on stage.

It was a beautiful time for me when I'm with him. I'm sad when he had to drop me home as I don't know when we will meet again. The feeling was simply wonderful that no one can feel it

Simple gathering

On Sunday, 11th Nov, we had a simple gathering to celebrate Annah's birthday at Gurney Plaza. Since our group haven't met for the past 2 months, it was nice to see everyone again. There were altogether 8 of us and had lunch at Breek Cafe.

It was the nearest restaurant for us to go to. When we were at the place, we conbined 3 tables together. I notice we were the only group of people at the restaurant. Since it was open air, we enjoyed the breeze and each others company while waiting for the food to be served.

We really enjoyed our lunch. After lunch, few of us went their own way to do their shopping. But most of us went together for window shopping.

After our window shopping and few of them already gone back, I treated Annah at Starbuck because I didn't buy anything for her and we had a nice time together.

I believe Annah was really happy on that day. It was nice get together.

"Happy Birthday Annah!"

Independent Living

What is Independent Living for a severe disabled?

It is not that you can do everything by our own then we consider Independent Living. Many things I may not able to, do, people may think i'm not Independent. The main thing for Independent Living is making our own choice and decision. What we desire, wish and hope to do, we must go for it.

It may be very difficult, but we must fight for our Independence. Many people may discouraged us because we always dependent on others, They don't know the real meaning to "Independent Living"

Life is always tough, but never give up.

My cute rabbit

You cannot imagine this cute animal is my favourite pet.

I've been wanting a rabbit as my pet since years ago, but I will never get to rear it because of my condition. It's hard for me to take care of animals unless someone help me. My mum also don't like animals in the house. When I see rabbits in my relatives house I will be happy.
Our neighbour has a cute white rabbit, sometimes when they will bring it out to the front garden for some fresh air. I will get the chance to see and admire it.

Darkest moment in life

Life has never been a plain sailing for me. The big ocean wave will hit me now and then. Many times I feel like drowing as I couldn't catch my breath. But yet I still survive!

This is how I feel every time my spasm attack me. It's has been a real struggle for me when my "attack" comes. How I wish this "thing" will leave my body and give me an easier life? My spasm would not only pull my limbs but it makes me very tired and weak.


This is how I felt at the present moment. It make all my movement very slow. It's exectly like my brain is jam up. It makes me very frustrated when my attack come. I will be very mad because I cannot do the things I wanted to do. I tried to control myself as I would not break down. Many times I felt like crying, but I stayed strong.

No one can understand how I felt the past 2 week, as I struggled with my spasm until I had to take few days off from work. It was too severe that I had difficulty in breathing. My spirit determined to go on, but my body won't' permit. So I have to give in to my body and rest my body.

I know my condition is so much better compare before. But my greatest wish is for God to heal my spasm complete, so I can improve more in life.

Love is in the air

14th February - Valentine's Day is just another commond day for me. For many, it's such a big occasion.

Though I have a special person in my life now, I still treat Valentine's Day as an ordinary day. My friend and I just wish each other thru sms at midnight.

On that day, our centre got an invitation for luncheon at Sheraton Hotel. 8 staffs from our office went to the luncheon. There were few centres' and homes were invited too. The ballroom was decorated with lovely red balloons hanging in the ceiling and all love songs were played throughout the luncheon. The enviroment in the ballroom was so warm. After lunch, there was a magic show. All the children was so excited and had so much fun with the show. There were also Ang Pow given to all.

I had a nice feeling at that time. Never have I celebrated Valentine's Day before. So it gave me a warm feeling I never had before.

A heavy heart

I feel as if I'm pretending to be a happy person. But the real thing is I'm full of bitterness, hatred, rejection, sadness and emptiness. No one can see or understand that because it's all close up within me. I don't know why but I hide everything inside that I cannot let it go.

It’s very hard for me to express myself and I don’t have the confidence to speak what is in my heart. That is why I keep everything to myself. There are lots of things my heart wanted to say but I feel no one is willing to listen.

Many times when I’m alone I feel like crying but there are no tears. My heart is very heavy as it's full of sadness and emptiness. I want to do is to pour out my feeling to someone, but there is no one who have to patient to listen me as I have difficulty in expressing myself.

I know sometimes we need time to be alone, but when at night draws in I feel very lonely. Every night I will sit infront of my computer and when I put my slow music. I feel very sad and lonely. I want so much to make myself think positive, yet all the negetive things keep pouring in.

I know my good God is very near to me, yet I can't feel His presence. He is the One who can comfort and hold me. I always wish there is someone to hug, hold and lend me a shoulder to cry.

A year older again

Today I turn 36. Year by year by past so fast that with a blink of an eye I'm now a year older again.

Today is just like any normal day. Few of my close friends who remember my birthday, sms me during midnight. When I woke up in the morning, I was happy to see their messages.

As usual, I went to church for Mass this morning and pray for God's blessing be upon me for this day and for the coming days. My family members' , few aunty and close relatives gave me Ang Pow (red packets) and some gifts.

This afternoon I went to Christmas Carolling with my Eden Centre staffs' at Island Plaza Mall. I was quiet disappointed no one remember my birthday. I can't blame them as everyone was so busy with this Christmas Carolling fund raising project. I spent 3 hours with my friends at the mall singing christmas carols for our centre fun raising project. This year I only help them in carrying the donation box. I didn't go up the stage.

I was happy that only 1 person wish me Happy Birthday and he is the person I most cared for. I thought he has forgotten, but I was really glad he remembered. That's the most important for me!



P/S: Sorry there is no photo.

Party at Sheraton Hotel

Merdeka Day - 31st August, Sheraton Hotel organised a party for few disabled centres eg: Cheshire Home, Boys Ophanage and Eden Handicap Service Centre. When I saw the programmers' which was fax to us by the person in-charge of the function. We were quiet disappointed because all the was programmers were for children. Anyhow I went, never know it turned out to be I had the nicest time with my friends.

When we all arrived, we gather together outside the ballroom which was on the 1st floor. We waited for nearly half an hour before all of us got to go inside. It was nice that all my wheelchair friends' and I had a table to ourselves at the corner.

The party started with serving of food. Since our table was quite far from the front, we could only hear what the MC was talking. Since we couldn't see much was happening, we just enjoy each other company. We talked, laughed and crack jokes. I can feel the warm between us all.

Later, after lunch there was a magic show, It didn't interest any of us. So what we did was talk among each other. The party ended around 2pm. I really enjoy the time with my friends.

Back to Eden Centre

Since I stopped working at Copthorne Hotel, I told myself I need to find a job. Baggers cannot choose, so I decide to asked for my old job at Eden Centre again. Before I left Copthorne Hotel, I asked Bertie if there is a place for me back in the office, but he didn't answer me (as I wrote an email to him). Later in middle of June, he called me in to his office and had a talk with me. He offered me my job back, but I have to take it slow. Because before I left for Copthorne Hotel, I did a lot of mistakes in my database. I was really sad that I didn't improve at all in my working states.

Beginning of July I start work. I was thankful that Bertie gave me a second chance. I promise myself to do my best, with God's help. I can say that I'm happy with my work and my friends around me.