Dream 2- Family Life

 

Wednesday 30 Mac 2021

This may be a crazy dream but I wish to have a child or adopt a child. Seeing many of my age disabled friends have children of their own and have a family. Their kids’ can help them in their daily things. When I went shopping, seeing couples/family with their baby or children, in my heart I wish so much a family life.   

I especially love baby girls, I wished so much I can have a child of my own. Severe years ago for my curiosity, I asked my Neuro doctor if I can have a child, they told me, due to my spasm medication which I'm taking, it's not advisable to a child. I wasn't a disappointment as I guess this myself.

One day, I also went to the welfare office and asked the staff whether a single parent can adopt a child. They told me it's very little chance, as they will accept more for married couples. When I heard this, I felt really sad. Before this I know there would be a lot of procedeer and it would be more difficult for a single disabled to adopt a child.

I yearn to have a family life like my friends, but this will come to reality. This is not God's will for me. I can say the feeling, what I dream and wish for is not God’s will

Dream 1 - Marriage Life

 

Wednesday, 2 December 2020

 

In 1997 when I started writing, I wrote about my dreams. I felt happy as some of them came true, but some of them didn't.  So I accepted it.

Now I have a few other dreams too :

Since my younger day, when I saw my cousins and disabled friends got married. It has always been my dream to be a bride wearing a white beautiful wedding gown, but sadly it would never come to reality.

Even though I have a partner for the past 16 years, he can only be my companion. Due to some of his personal problems., we will never able to get married. Even though we cannot get married, I thank God for bringing him into my life. He is a great guy, as he's willing to accept me as his partner. He accepted me for who I am.

He cares, understanding, and patient towards my condition and he knows how to handle me when my spasm attacks me. Even he has his bad side, I accepted it as everyone has their good and bad side. We always share everything openly so we understand each other better.

I can say I'm quite sad as I won't able to get married, but nothing can be done. I have to accept it.

Life Story Book

Wednesday,  25 Mac 2020

Since 1997 I have start written my life stories. All these years, I kept my write-up stories in a big file. I wrote daily stories, expressing everything in writing. That was how I knew what to do.

Thank God, I printed out all write-up stories unto sheets of paper instead of kept them in my computer file. One of those times, my computer was spoil and had to be format. Luckily, I still had my stories with me. It was the most important "papers" for me.

A few months ago, I took down the big file, after I have kept them for a long time. Thank goodness all my write up paper was still in good condition. After I went through all my stories, I didn't know that I have written so much. More than I though. I feel very happy and proud that I could put words into writing.  

Janice and I arranged my write-up papers in order. A few days ago, she bind them up for me into a book. I felt so happy to see what I have written all these years. She binds my stories from the year 1997 until 2000 and the book is so thick.

I still have other write-up stories, but not yet bind into a book.

Dear God, thank you that I'm able to express myself in writing. Thank you for giving me the passion to write and share YOU with others. 

The Inspiration Hub

Saturday, 15 February 2020

The whole of last week and this week, I was searching for an editor/publisher to help me make my life stories into a book. Before emailing to Partridge S'gope, I emailed/whatapps to a publishing company  (The Inspiration Hub) in KL but there was no response from them. I also whatapps the person in charge. But there was no reply too.

13/2/2020 I try again to email them again, including another publisher in Penang.

15/2/2020 In the evening, I was thrilled (in my heart) that I received an email Nickey Teoh, Publishing Director of The Inspiration Hub from Kuala Lumpur saying they are able to find me an editor to edit story. I can also ask them about the publishing process.

I was really happy that he replied to me. I hope we will continue to keep in touch.

19/2/2020 I emailed Nickey again whether he would help me to find an editor for my stories.

21/2/2020 He replied to me, he needs the words count of my stories before he knows the cost and

find an editor for me.

It took me more than 2 weeks to word count of my writing. Janice also helped me count

my words too

8/3/2020 This evening I reply to him with my words count. Until today I'm still waiting for his reply

Dear God, please let Nickey Teoh reply to my email and able to find me an editor with a reasonable cost.

Please let me able to share YOU in my stories.

To be continued.........

Partridge Publishing S'pore

Wednesday 12 Feb 2020

Fri 7/2/2020 I was checking on where I could find publishing company in Malaysia on the Google where they can publish my life story.  I emailed/whatapps to a publishing company in KL called The Inspiration Hub but there were no response from them.

Then a website caught my eyes, which was "Choose Your Publisher". Trying my luck, I summit in my name.

Sat 8/2/2020 On that evening, I received an email from Partridge Publishing Singapore saying they will be contacting me. I didn't take it seriously as that was an auto email.

Mon 10/2/2020 In the morning, I was slightly surprised to receive an email from Gerry Young (Partridge Publishing). He wrote quite a long email about himself and his company.  He said he is going to be my personal guide to publish my story. Shortly after that, I email him and showed him my blog and he was keen to help and guide me.

We correspond throughout the day and he wanted to called me. I make a time for him to call me in the evening

That evening Gerry Young called me. Funny though, I knew he was a man, but when I  heard his voice, he sound like a women. I guess it was like problem as he called from international line. We chat more than half an hour. He explained the whole program package to me and that whole week they will be giving me 30% discount. I ask him to put into writing for me. It was quite hard for me to understand what he said. I asked him to email me (in black & white) for me to understand more clearly.

That evening, I received an email proposal from him. I read through and I understand about at it. The next morning, I asked Janice to read through, she hesitate about it. She said will ask around, find out more about this company.

That same morning, Mr. Gerry sent me another email saying they will give me 40% discount for that day only if I signed up with them. I didn't reply him as it was too fast for me to accept it.

We knew he was pushing me to accept his proposal. Later that day after lunch, he called me again.

This time Janice was in my room, so I asked her to talk to Gerry. Janice couldn't understand much what he said and the phone line broke off. We were slightly shocked he was called from Philippines. He called but the line couldn't connect through. We knew something was not right.

He kept calling me, but I didn't answer his call as I was resting that time too. Later he send me an email explaining about his office and printing where about. He wanted Janice to understand it too. From then, I didn't take him seriously.

Janice help me to check other local publishing company too. I, my part also check up on goggle the local company and I email to them.

We also asked friends' if they know of any companies. I email to a few companies, but none of them reply.

I do not dare to accept Partridge offer as this is my first time finding an editor/publish. I would like find local publishers. Patridge Publishing still emailed me for other offers but I just ignored it.

Dear God, you know my heart. please help me to find an editor/publisher, so I can share YOU in my life story with others'

My destiny

Ever since last week I told my family that I wanted to go back to KL, they started discouraging me. They keep telling me everything is provided for me at home. They don’t understand that I want a challenging life instead of sitting at home I tried very hard to explain to my mum that I’m thinking of my future. I even wrote to them a list how life is between Penang and KL yet they treated it as nothing. I felt sad that they are not willing to respect my decision and understand my feeling. I know they care for me and don’t want me to go through hard time in KL

I want continue fighting for it, but I’m tired of telling my parents who are against my decision. I guess I have to give up my dream and stay in Penang. Is it not God’s will for my dream to come true? Why did He opened the door twice and then closed back again? Maybe He has other plan for me? I really can’t understand it. I believe He wanted me to taste the hardship, but I could stand only my parents can’t bear seeing me living in difficult life.

I felt sad that I was in Kepong centre for only a month. I wish I could stay there longer and get to know my friends' deeper. The one that will keep me back from going back to KL is my boyfriend. We have been together nearly five years, I don’t want to lose him just because I intend to go back KL.

God is my “boss” and I cannot go against His will. My destiny is to stay in Penang. I have to accept His will for me . Even though I’m not happy here yet I cannot do anything. I have to take one day at the time.

Dreams

Being a severely disabled who yearn to do so many things, yet the physical condition stop her from going far. It was very frustrating. She has so many dream that she wants to achieve, she will not give up.

She has to let go her dream to stay in Kuala Lumpur because her body condition doesn't permit her to go back there. Her heart are full of sadness as her desire was to move on with life, but she has to go back to her old life.

Though her life in Kuala Lumpur was very difficult, yet she took the challenges. She didn't complain to anyone. Despite of language barrier between her disabled friends, yet she tried her best to cope with them. She has some good times too with many functions, church activities etc she attended. She really misses all her friends there. She brought back some knowledge with her.

Even how long her dreams and desire will take to come true, she will NEVER GIVE UP.

Independent Living

Independent Living is I have been dreaming of over this one decade. My hope and wish that it will come true in my life. In May, I silencely apply for the Independent Living training at Beautiful Gate Foundation for the Disabled in Kuala Lumpur. I never thought they will take me in until last month when I receive an email from them asking me to going in. Though I'm excited and looking forward to entering into this centre, but the there are some fear within me whether I can cope at this centre as I have never been there before.

This is a challenge for me to be away from my family. I pray and hope I can suceed in my training and not to be a failer. I don't want to be a laughing stock to some people whom I know look down on me. I want to make my family and friends proud of me and I can prove myself that I can make it in life!

Yin Tsang, Annah, Kar Wei, Chin Chin and Yeap, I will surely miss you all especially at night during our chats. I know will be far away, but my heart are very with you all. Remember that! I love u very much. Wish me the best and we will meet when I come back again.

I will especially will miss my darling very very much. Thank you daring for encouraging me to go for this training. Though we will be far apart, our heart will be near. I love you very much.

A beautiful gaun

This afternoon while wheeling myself along a row of shops in Gurney Plaza in the 1st floor, I saw a shop selling very beautiful white gauns. It is my dream gaun which I love to wear on my wedding day. It may sound crazy, but it is really my dream gaun. A dream is just a dream.
Whether my dream may come true or not, it is God who arrange my future.

Changes and Choices

Changes and choices. That is what I wish to have, but I can never have the chance to earn it. To others, it's so simple, but never to me. If I'm still at my parent's roof, I will never will get the chages and choices in my life.

Sometimes, when going shopping with my family is a pain the neck. Why? Because the things I want to buy is not my choice. Most of the time it must suit their taste and not mine. Once a while, I got the chance to pick the choice of mine. Do you think that is fair to me? It is the same the when our family goes out for lunch or dinner. I seldom get the chance to choose the choice of the food I like. It's always my family ordering the food. Sometimes, when I order some food, it would turned out to be other things. Can you imagine that?

Most of the time, they will decide things for me, so how can I make my own desicion when they keep deciding most of things for me. That is why I seldom like to go out with my family, unless there is some special occasion. I would prefer going out with my friends and that is when I can get chance buy any anything I like.

I know my family love me very much, but it's time for me to make my own decision. I believe I have the right for that as I'm old enough.

Life Goes On

FEAR OF DEATH is everyone’s nightmare. People seldom like to raise this topic, as losing their love ones is a great tragedy. But this is a fact that no one can avoid.

It is especially fearful for the severely disabled because they are mostly dependent on their parents for support, care and help.

Like me, I tend to have this great fear in me of losing my parents one day. As a severely disabled person I need my parents care all the time, though at times I can do certain things myself.

Not me alone, I also think of my future my youngest sister (Julie) as she is disabled too, but she is worst than me. She couldn’t do anything herself, all have to depend on my parents. It’s not the same as for me I can at least do part of the daily things myself and I’m working too. I thank God I can do certain things I do myself instead of depending on my parents completely.

I have share my fears with my mum many times, but her words are always the same TRUST IN GOD, HE WILL TAKE CARE OR YOU. Despite what my mum had said to me, I still fear of my future. Many times I think and plan of going into a Disabled Home, but most of the Homes caters only for physically disabled where they are independent in doing everything themselves.

To your surprise, I even wrote in to couple of Homes asking whether they would take me in. None of them reply back. You must think I’m crazy in doing such thing, asking to get into a Home when you still have your parents to care for you.

Do you know why I’m making such plans? I have the fear that one day I will lose my parents and no one will care for me. Though I have got an eldest sister (Janice) who loves me very much, I don’t think she would be able to care for me as she has a family to care for. So, I don’t think I can depend on her in everything. That is why I’m starting to find a Disabled Home now, but I don’t think this plan can work for the time being as I’m not independent.

I wish and pray that one day the government will build a Home for the severely disabled people. I heard from a friend of mine that there are a group of disabled in Malaysia who are planning for a Home (independent living) for the severely disabled. How far it’s true, I don’t know. If this plan it’s really true, I can be very happy. Now I can just pray and hope that this plan will come to real and the government would implement on this plan.

For now, I don’t want to think that much or else it would drive me crazy. Let God take care of my youngest (Julie) sister and I. We are His precious children, so I shouldn’t be afraid losing my parents one day. I have to put my trust in God in taking care of us.

Whatever happens to our parents, we still have carry on living. We cannot give up just because our parents are gone. We have to move on and lead our life.