God, What Are You Doing In My Life?

Tuesday, 2 May 2022

I'm lying on my bed now thinking of my life. What is God doing in my life? I really cannot understand. I keep thinking and asking God but there's no answer to my question.

What I should do is pray and trust Him?

I pray every day yet when I think of what will happen to mum one day it scares me a lot that no one will help me.

Even though God knows everything and has a plan for me, I'm a human being I feel very scared but I can't do anything except trust in God.

Dear God, please help me to trust in for future.

Update on 2021

Wednesday, 26 January 2022

It has been almost 8 months since my last write-up. My poor blog was empty since July 2021

My mind was blank on what to write and at the same time my mood was really down. So I put my writing aside.

In February, it was the second time we were not able to celebrate Chinese New Year as it was MCO 2.0. The first time was 2020 due to Julie passing away.  

On the eve of Chinese New Year, mum and I went to Janice house to have a reunion lunch together with her in-laws.

On Chinese New Day, Janice and her family came to our place to wished us and gave me Ang Pow. Of all the years, 2021 was a very quiet CNY as there was no visitation allowed and I got the least Ang Pow. I also couldn’t go outstation with my friends as the inter-states travel was closed. It was very boring staying at home as every CNY I would go outstation with my daring and friends’

From May –October -MCO 3.0 (Lockdown) started again. It was a terrible time for me as where I couldn’t go anywhere. I was in my room the whole day.  Where I could go was to the eating table (breakfast, lunch and dinner) then back to my room again.

I occupied myself upon doing other thing eg:  choose, arranged, took photos of the First Day Cover and stamps and posted them on Carousell Online. It took a lot of my time in doing that. At night I watched Netflix movies.

Even though I did so many things the whole day, emotionally I felt down and don’t have mood. I couldn’t even go for therapy or my check-ups in GH. The psychiatrist doctor called Janice to collect my medicine and changed the date of my check-up to later dates.

At the end of July and the beginning of August, I received my Pfizer vaccination. Before I went for my jab, I prayed that there would not be any side-effect on me. Thank God, my left arm which was vaccinated had some pain for 2 days only.

For Neuro check-ups, I hardly go to see the doctors. Janice will call the nurses when I wanted to follow up with my medication. The doctors’ would write a chit of all medicines and Janice would collect them. The doctors in the Neuro Department doctors’ were unable to do anything with my spasm. So what I do every day is to take a bunch of spasm, thyroid, and depression medicine 4 times a day (mostly are my spasm medicine)

As for my thyroid check-ups, I only went to the Endocrinologist Department the first 2 times. After knowing that I need not have to see a doctor, and knowing that they wanted to see my blood test results. The nurses would give me a chit to do a blood test every four months. Two weeks before my check-up date Janice will bring me to the blood test lab.

When I go for my blood test, the nurses would allow wheelchair users to go into the lab first. For able-bodies, they have to queue up for their number to go in. On my check-up day, the nurse will call Janice to collect the medicine chit. If nothing is wrong with my blood, the doctor will continue to give me medication only. I will have to take it forever.

The only thing I hated most about thyroid is I gain weight. I now put on weight quite a lot as some t-shirts and dresses couldn’t fit me anymore. Many times, I feel angry with my thyroid sickness.

I couldn’t meet darling for five months during the lockdown. He was also unable to work during that period. I missed him a lot.

After the Covid cases went down and the lockdown was opened in October, I went to Occupied Therapy and Physiotherapy again in GH. Spastic Centre was re-opened as everyone in the group has been vaccinated. So we went there for our therapy again.  

It was the first time after a year since I last went to Gurney Plaza. On my birthday in December Janice took me for a lunch treat and shopping together with mum and my niece Sherine. She came back from Singapore for a few weeks' holidays.

I had a nice time on that day as we had western food on the ground floor. After lunch, Janice brought me shopping to buy some items. After buying our stuff mostly at Mr. DIY, we went down to the ground floor. We saw beautiful Christmas decorations and took photos there. There were a lot of people who took photos too. The decorations were much more beautiful than the year before.

It has two years since Covid-19 started as Christmas was not like before. Our church group members’ were not able to come carolling anymore. We also didn’t put up our Christmas tree anymore. It wasn’t fun like last time with all the presents’ below our Christmas tree and my three nieces were together Julie around to open up all our presents’ after dinner.

To me there was no feeling of Christmas season, but just like regular day. But on Christmas eve, mum and I went to Janice's house for dinner together with her in-laws.

Life has complete change since Covid-19 started. This was what happened in 2021

A New Experience

 Monday, 8 March 2021

I have been missing myself from here for the past two months. Why? I have a lot of things I wanted to write, but I completely had no mood and my mind was blank on what to write. The main thing was I had no mood.

This is what I did in January 

During last year's Christmas, my cousin Margaret suggested that we try selling cookies for Chinese New Year, so Janice and I agreed that we give it a try. Margaret and I were partners - I took the orders and she bakes the cookies). Starting January, with my friend's help, I share 3 types of cookie pictures on my Facebook and Whapapps.

It was an exciting few weeks as many of my group friends' and relatives ordered our cookies. Margaret baked the cookies non-stop with the help of her children. Everyone loves her cookies and said it was delicious, so they kept ordering. I stopped taking orders in January as Margaret and her children were tired. They also had other things to do.

It was fun and a new experience for us. I also learned some new things -selling cookies. It wasn't an easy task for Margaret to bake and arranged cookies in the containers.

 

  

Weak neck

 Friday, 27 Nov 2020

 

Since I was a teenager my neck was very soft. I was not able to sit up with my head straight. It kept flopping down. As to keep my head up and straight, my class teacher (Cikgu Joe) made a headrest for me. Even with the headrest, my head still falls. Some of my school friends who saw me would push my head up.

I can say I hate the headrest, but what to do as it was to support my head. But thank God, in 1990 after my major spinal surgery in KL God strengthen my neck. I need not had to used it anymore from then on.  I felt really happy at that time.

But now I feel sad my neck is getting weaker again. Last time I could sit the whole day without feeling neck/shoulder having pain. For the past few months when I sit, my neck keeps having muscle pain. I have to put a headboard to rest my head.

My fear now is my neck gets weaker, but I cannot do anything. My life is in God's hand. I can only pray that God will continue to strengthen my neck. 

Trap Again At Home

 Monday, 16 November 2020

 

As of last week (9 Nov) CMCO starts again for a month for Semenanjung Malaysia. So I’m stuck at home and cannot go anywhere again. The most terrible thing is I cannot meet my darling for another month.

I canceled my physio appointment for tomorrow (17 Nov) In fact, I can go but I didn’t want to. There are many people in the physio dept and not the same in OT dept. Their room only has a few staff and patients So, I stay at home.

People always say home is where the heart is. But my home is like a prison to me. Even though I have my loving family with me, all the good food to eat, and everything I have in my home. The thing I feel is "loneliness and unhappiness in my heart.

When CMCO people are still able to go out to work and do daily things, But for me, I'm 24 hours at home. Though I occupied my time doing so many things, yet I feel frustrated, lonely, bored, and other feeling too. This is how I feel every day.

A Boring Month

 Saturday, 31 Oct 2020

The whole of last month (October) I didn't go to OT, Physio exercises due to CMCO at the State Prison behind GH. Though I wanted to go, Janice discourages me from going as afraid the Covid virus is there.  So, I had to quietly stay at home. I didn't go to my Psychiatrist's follow-up either instead I change the appointment date to mid of December.

I can say, I was at home every day. I went out with my darling only twice last month. On other Sundays' he was busy with other things.

Even though I have daily things to do, yet I felt bored and lonely as I'm in my room day and night. I continue to do one thing after another, yet my feelings are the same. 

My Life Photos

 Saturday, 17 Oct 2020

Lately, I have been changing my photo albums and went through all my photos. From childhood days until today, I have changed so much with God's grace. He gives me life until this very day.

I feel happy to see all my photos of my family outings, my close friends, my activities and outings with friends, my outstation and overseas trips, my boccia sports, and other photos. It’s a good memory of my life.

Even though with my sickness, God has given me life and I have done so much all these years. I thank God for all He has given and done for me.

Twisted Ankle

 Saturday, 5 Sept 2020

 

On Saturday (5/9) supposed to be an ordinary morning as I went to Boccia training to pass a few letters to my coach and see my friends. 

As usual, I booked a Grab car. It was an Indian driver who fetched me. With mum's help, I stand and hold the door of the car to get in. I couldn't balance myself and I fell inside the car seat. While I fell, I twisted my right ankle badly and hit my chin onto the car. The terrible pain on my ankle got onto my whole body that I completely couldn't move. The driver helps me into the car seat.

I thought of not going anymore, but since I needed to pass my letter to my coach I continue going even with the terrible pain.

When I went there, I completely have no mood due to pain. I played a few games with my friends and talked to them. After two hours I went back coach's help getting into another Grab car.

My Day (26/7)

Sunday, 26 July 2020

My Day (26/7)

This morning after breakfast, we got ready and attended Sunday Online Catholic Mass at 9.30 am. As I couldn't find the site on my desktop, so I used my hp to go into the site.

Our Mass ended at 10.30 am. Later when mum is free, I ask her to help me to clean up some of my old coins. Janice bought Subway for mum and me for lunch.

After lunch, I did some writing before I rest

After my rest, Janice helped me to measure 2 dresses for a buyer. 

In the evening, I didn't do many things as my eyes hurt me. Most of the time, I face with this problem if I stare too much on the computer.

At night I got a buyer to purchase an item.  I also continue my writing.

Thank you, God, for this day. Thank you too that someone purchases my item at cheap price. 

 

                                                           Mum's subway

                                                     
                                                         Lunch (26/7) Subway

                                                     Dinner (26/7) Dumplin + Meat + Soup

My Day (25/7)

Saturday, 25 July 2020

My Day (25/7)


This morning after breakfast, I did my writing/download my photos/arranging my coins. Since my coins were too old and the colors' turn black, I couldn't see the names and years of the coins. So I could arrange much into my book.

Lunch and dinner are always very simple and little for me as I couldn't eat much.

After lunch, I came back to my room and check my photos and then took a rest.

In the evening, Janice went out to our nearby market place to buy dinner.  Our market would turn into hawkers' stalls in the evening to midnight. There are all types of food selling there. Janice said she would buy Japanese food sushi for us.

At night, I check my photos on my pc. When I see Julie I miss her so much

 My dinner (25/7)

The food Janice bought sushi, satay & mashroom soap

My Day (24/7)

Friday, 24 July 2020

My Day (24/7)

After breakfast, I was happy a buyer from Sarawak purchased my items. So I ask mum to help me wrap my items.

I’m really happy that Fr Mashall and Maureen came for a visit this morning. We talk and laugh. They gave me some joy when I see them. We talk about Covid-19, and  other topics too. They were with us for an hour.

After they left, I came back to my room and do my writing.

During my rest time, I was happy my item (Reacher) I bought from Shopee online arrived. Janice took from the guardhouse for me. We quickly open it, but to our disappointment, the Reacher didn’t work well.  Janice took back to check it.

After my evening bath, I arrange the things in my room and did my writing.

After dinner, I continue my writing.

Even though, I occupied myself throughout the day, yet my heart is full of loneliness. 

Every day, I miss and keep thinking of Julie.

Thank you, God, for this day

My Day (23/7)

Thursday, 23 July 2020

My Day (23/7)

This morning I chat with a buyer online (Carousell) who is interested to purchase my items. She is from Sarawak, she asks me if I can send my items on Flexi Prepaid as it's cheaper. Usual postage is more expensive to Sabah/Sarawak.

Around 11 am Janice to mum and me to Shen Ru (our cousin) apartment in Straits Quey to see her place. It was a nice and cozy place. From there together with Aunty Joyce (Shen Ru mum) we went down to a Healy Mac's & Irish Bar Restaurant to have lunch. We have western We food are the only customers there. Janice and Shen Ru order all the food. We have a good time eating and chatting. I only eat and quietly listen to them. It's a nice gathering

After lunch we say goodbye. Before coming home, Janice did some errands.

We arrive home around 2.15 pm, we are all very tired. We got ready and went to rest. 

In the evening, I didn't do anything except clear my things in my room.

After dinner, I did my writing.

Thank you, God, I have a nice day

My Day (22/7)

Wednesday, 22 July 2020

My Day (22/7)

In the morning, Janice, mum, and I went to Dark Mansion (a tourist spot) Lebuh Kimberley, George Town. It was a very nice place as inside was in darkness. And it was decorated with beautiful and unique beautiful light.  We took many photos there. Since it was lunchtime, we walked to a nearby eating shop and ate there before we came back. 

After my rest, I took my bath and in the evening I tidy up my room. I download our photos on the computer which we took in the morning.

At night after dinner, I update my writing as the whole day I didn't write anything

Thank you, God, for I have enjoyed myself throughout this morning. And thank you God that Janice brought us out.

My Day (21/7)

Tuesday, 21 July 2020 

My Day (21/7)

After breakfast, I came to my room and did some google search on other tourist spots. There are so many interesting places which I never knew it.

I plan to continue arranging my coin but didn't manage to do it. Mum and Janice want to change the bedsheet. My usual place to arrange my coin is on my bed, so what I did was google search until lunchtime.

After lunch, I continue my writing until my rest time. After my rest, Janice came to dye my hair before my bath.

In the evening/night there was a big storm and the lightning strikes our apartment main switch tripe down. So our only apartment blackout.  Janice wasn't at home so I called Mr. Tan (Janice neighbor) to help us. Luckily he was willing to help us. Within 15mins he came up to turn on back our switch.

Thank God he came to help us.

My day (20/7)

Monday, 20 July 2020

My Day (20/7)                                                                       

In the morning I tried to participate in the SYOK app contest (a radio contest). I keyed in the details for more a half an hour and I was glad I manage to submit it. I took so long as it was my first joining this contest. Daily the result will be out at 5 pm and each day a winner will get RM500.00 if he/she answers a right question and give a good slogan.

After that, I continue my arranging my old coins and put them in my coin book. It's very interesting to see all the different countries' coins. I did it until lunchtime so I stop for the day.

After lunch, I took a rest for around two hours got up, took my evening bath. I did my writing and google search on Penang Tourist Spot. Why do I do so? As I yearn and plan to visit these places. It's not easy as all need time to plan properly

Evening and night come again. What I did was in my room was to continue my writing and doing things online 

I was happy I have finished one of my write-up.

Thank you, God, I manage to do many things the whole day.                                                                                                                           

Argument

Thursday,  23 April 2020

Being a disabled child, my mum never seems to listen to me advising her in daily things. Telling her good things, like don't eat this food as it will affect her body in pain. Not only about that, but other daily things. Telling her too much will turn out to be an argument. So I would avoid the topic. I love and care for my mum very much, that's why I wanted the good things for her. 

But when Janice advice/tell her things, she will surely listen quietly without arguing. It has always been like that since last time

I feel very frustrated, angry with myself as mum doesn't want to listen to my advice. As I know/feel, parents will not listen to their disabled child, but prefer to listen to their able-bodied child.  This I how I feel.

P/S:  The past few days, I don't have the mood to write. Feel tired, bored with life .. etc..

Another Step Further

Saturday, 18 April 2020

Before I started my Boccia training last year (2019), I thought of how to take a transport to the Spastic Centre.  I have no one to bring me there twice a week.

Janice and I discussed how I was to go on my own for training. We talked about me taking Grab Car to my training. I was happy she encouraged me to use public transport to be independent. I have never used Grab App on my own. Sometime when we needed to use Grab car, Janice would use her App.

When she taught me about Grab App, I found it quite hard to use. Never realize when I learned to use it myself, I found it was not difficult at all

The first time when I tried using Grab car was from GH to my apartment. I was quite afraid of booking the car, afraid of pressing the wrong button. Luckily, I managed to book the car and called the driver and lead him to where I was. I told him I was disabled in a wheelchair and asked him and asked him to help me into the car. When I arrived home, I felt relieved and that I have learned a new thing.

From that day onwards, I used Grab car to my boccia training. Booking the car can be easy after I explored the app more.  Another difficult task was, getting in and out of the car by myself with some help from the driver. I met all types of men and ladies drivers, some were kind-hearted and friends', and others' don't really know how to help a disabled person. So I teach them how to help me.

But my mum gave me a negative outlook on me taking the Grab car.  To her, I was wasting my money on taking Grab car.  Every time I come back from training, she would ask me how much I spent for the transport. As months by, she stopped nagging me when I told her I was enjoying the training and my game. 

Not only I used Grab car to Spastic Centre, sometimes I used it to GH and back home. Also to the shopping mall with my maid

In a great way when I see taking Grab car, as a learning opportunity to be independent in taking public transport. I feel happy and proud of myself as I was taking another step future. 

  

Prison at home

Wednesday, 15 April 2020

Since last month the lockdown started, the general public has difficulty in coping with their daily life staying at home. They have been on the go every day with their work, activities, family outing, etc... But now with the lockdown, they are still able to go out to their morning marketing, buying groceries and other necessities items.  

It's different from my disabled working friends. They faced more difficulty staying at home now every day. Their working place is the only place they mix with colleagues, friends and other people. Some weekends, they may go outings with their family or friends. Other than that, they will only be staying at home

Though I'm working from home daily in front of my computer. As an active person like me who always goes for my exercises /check-ups in GH, my weekly Boccia training, outing with family and my darling and friends. I feel trap at home 24 hours, 7 days a week too. I do feel bored, though I have online things to do. I miss all of my activities. I especially miss seeing my darling. It has been nearly 2 months I didn't meet him.

I just hope everything will be back like usual and everyone will be able to go on with daily life again.

Dear God, please take away COVID-19 completely that life for every in the world will be back to normal again.

Fearful Thoughts

Sunday, 5 April 2020

At this present moment, mum and I are staying in our apartment without any maid with us. Mum and I together with Janice help are able to handle our place.

Since Julie pass away, mum has been helping me with my daily routine. I, myself will do whatever I can.

Since last week, mum has been taking some "cold" fruits which elderly people are not supposed to take. 

Last weekend, after her morning bath, mum felt her whole back got muscle pull and she wasn't able to get up from her bed. I thought her muscle was just a while, but it was worst than I thought.

When Janice came to see us, mum was lying on the bed and her body was in pain. Not only her back was in pain, she felt nausea and couldn't eat anything at all.

I was in my room feeling frightened and fearful thoughts came to my mind. "Why suddenly she became so serious" Who will help me if she continues to be in bed and unable to get up etc?.  Other bad and negative thoughts played in my mind too

Janice continues to let her eat or drink, but she was unable to. During lunchtime, Janice gave her a nausea table and she rested the whole afternoon. I had lunch alone and felt very lonely as mum and I always eat together. After lunch, Janice came to help me onto the bed to rest.

I was very worried that mum couldn't eat and get up from bed the whole day.  We let her rest afternoon till evening. After her rest, I was relieved that she was able to get up from the bed. Janice gave her some liquid food together medication for her back muscle.

During dinnertime, we felt very happy that she was able to eat regular food, moved and walked like usual again.

I felt relief and thank God for taking away mum’s back muscle pain. She was able to be her normal self again.

Happiness VS Sadness

Saturday, 4 April 2020

Throughout last year (2019), I didn't write much about what was happening. I was very busy with my online sales, OT/Physiotherapy, routine check-ups, activities, outings, boccia training, outstation trips and many more.

Not forgetting about my emotional feelings, I felt up and down even with all my activities. When I was alone in my room, the negative thoughts would attack me.  I kept thinking "why keep taking the medication yet felt the same?”  Regular check-up to Psychiatrists doctor also felt the same. 

When I went for my activities outings etc, I would forget about my problems. After reaching home and back to my room. My feelings, thoughts, and emotions would be the same again.

But I thank God, despite of feeling emotion down, yet I was still active with outdoor activities.