Good things about myself

Last Monday, 11/13, I went for my first counselling session in GH.  My cousellor Ms.Ng doesn't speak   English neither Hokkien, so I have to expressed myself in Malay. We talked around 1 1/2 hours. I told her all my problems - my anger, frustration, my hurt, low self esteem and a lot more. 

I told her everything happened to me in the past. She advice me to say three positive things about myself every morning. I also told her I do not have self confidence. She asked me to list down of good things about myself.

After I came back, I made a list. Never did I realize I have 24 good things about myself. I felt happy and proud that I can do so many things.

1                     I can brush teeth

2                     I can wash my face

3                                       I can scrub my body during bathing

4                                         I can feed myself

5                                         I can talk clearly

.                                           I can wheel myself

7                                         I can wear my dress

8                                        I can tie my corset when lying down

                         I can climb from my bed to my wheelchair in the afternoon

1                   I can talk/express myself in malay

1                   I can do computer work

                      I can do beautiful cross-stitch

1                     I can read story book/novel – English /Malay

1                   I can write blog

1                  I can write better English than my friends

1                                   I can walk with walker despite it’s very difficult

                      I do not give up despite all the struggles if my life

1                  I don’t give up easily / I’m brave

1                 I dare to ride Rapid bus with my maid

2                    I’m an active person / go out/ mixing with people

2                 I can detect my depression and find doctor for help

2                 I’m a good listener /  I’m patient

2                 I can write with both hands

2                 I dare to go out with friends to outstation for holidays

Terrible feelings

Lately, I have been having these terrible feeling. Everyday I face with different moods and feelings. I feel very angry, frustrated, sad, hatred and thinking of a lot of negative things. It’s terribly hard to cope.

All these years, I never had these feeling or thinking until lately. It has become worst and worst each day. 

Something I ask myself :

1. Am I feeling too lonely – that is the bad thoughts come to me?
2. Is it one by one of my friends’ left me?
3. Why is my past keep haunting me?
4. Am I so useless that people looked down on me?
5. Why people cannot look up on me?

I try my best to fight against it, yet the negative thoughts still come to me mostly everyday especially when I’m alone.

Calm in my heart

This week I'm feeling much better. I stop thinking of my recent problem because I have settled it. Now I feel the peace in my heart. But certain times when I'm alone, I will start thinking and feel sad again. I really dislike this terrible feeling. Certain times up, certain times down. All the mix feeling is in my heart these days. 

I hope one day my feeling with be stable so that I can feel better in my heart. 

Lowers time

I have been feeling very low for the past few days. Something happened beyond my imagination. Now I completely have no mood for anything. What I know is - I get upset very fast, feeling very sad and tears keep dropping.

I don't have the mood to talk to anyone including my friends. When I'm alone in the room, I feel very sad. I keep thinking and thinking. I feel like I'm going crazy, but I try my best not to break down.

Dear God, please help me to pull through.

Depression

On Wednesday, 30 January 2013, I went for my regular neurology check-up. This time I expect to see any of the doctors' inside the room and get my medication. Instead I was called into Dr. Eow Gaik Bee room. She is the head of Neurology and she used to see me.

Dr. Eow is a very kind, understanding and soft hearted person. It's very hard to find a head of Neurology with this kind of nature.

When she saw me, she asked how was my mood. I told her I am ok. I do not know what prompted me to asked her this question. "Dr. am I suffering from depression and she immediately says "yes". She told me all the feelings that I have and it's really true  I also read in the internet of all the symptoms' of depression and I have most of it.

She had a long talk with me about my problem and refer me to the psychiatric department. This is what I feels' mostly everyday when I'm alone - anger, frustration, loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness and mostly isolate myself in my room.

I tried my best to stay active and forget about my problems, but certain time all these feelings will come onto me. It makes me feel very miserable and terrible about myself.

This is what I face these few years. I try to fight against it, yet I fail. Thank God until now, I'm still ALIVE!

Body more stable

Whenever my maid is free in the evening, we will go down to my apartment lobby. She will help me to walk with me holding the railing. Usually she hold my back for support, but now she doesn't hold me anymore. Only i hold her shoulder for support. I'm happy I can walk much easier now.

My maid is like my trainer - pushing and encouraging me everyday. I feel lighter and easier to walk now. I'm just like a baby who is learning to walk.

Walking without anyone holding

This morning I walked without my maid holding me, but she was behind to guard me. I could balance myself more now. Even though it's very difficult to walk, I will not give up.

I will try to walk further each day. Sometimes, my body condition doesn't permit me to go on, that is where I need to slow down. I cannot push my body limit, if not I will fall again.

Learning to walk

                                                           My special walker

One of dream is walking. When I see people walking I really envy them. They can go out wherever and whenever they like. I wish to be like one of them.

Recently my brother in-law made a walker for me. I was so happy because I was searching for this type of walker for some time. Several years ago, I borrowed this walker from the Spastic Centre and I could walked.

Now every morning with the help of my maid I'm learning to walk outside my apartment .Even though it was a very difficult process of walking as I have been in the wheelchair for over forty years. I must have the determination to slowly take one step by step to reach my gold.

Before I start walking, I pray to God to give me the strength to walk. With God's help's, I know I will be able to walk

A dip in my apartment swimming pool

Today 5pm in the evening, I went into my apartment swimming pool for the second time. Even though I love swimming so much, but I rarely have the chance to go inside the pool because of the difficulty of taking me down. Since today weather is good, I decided to go down the pool alone with my maid's and niece, Sherine help. My maid was around the pool to see me.

When I floated in the water with a tube around my body, I felt all bad thoughts flew away, instead I felt very happy. The water today was very cold, I went down the pool for half an hour. Though it was a short time, but I had a nice time.

Goodbye 2012

Days, weeks, months passed by without waiting for anyone. Before anyone knows it, it’s the end of 2012 again. While people are happy looking forward for the New Year celebration, my heart is sad because I will be sitting in my room in front of my computer.

Never once in my life have I able to celebrate New Year Eve outside my house with friends. I have accepted my fate to be in my home hearing and seeing the fireworks through my house window.  I treat this occasion as just any normal day.

This year passes by just as usual. Everyday I go to my Janice (my sister) house to help her with the computer work.  I learn many things from her. In the beginning, I thought the work would be very boring.  But it turned out to be really interesting.

Middle of March, we have two days of Boccia competition between Penang and Perak. Even though I’m a BC4 category, but I was place under BC2 because there were no other BC4 players. After two tiring and interesting days, I won a gold medal.

Because my spasm continue to attack my body everyday and certain days it came very severe until I couldn’t do anything the whole day. In April, I decided to seek help from neurology in KL. I found his email address online, so I emailed him. I was really happy when I received his email. He is a Professor. I thought he could help me with my sickness. We correspond through few emails and he asked me to go down KL to see him. I was happy Janice was willing to take me down KL together with mum. Since Denis had meeting, he drove us to University Hospital.

My happiness was short lifted when the Professor told me, he couldn’t help me. He asked me to see my neurology in Penang. My heart sank with disappointment because I went all the way to KL to seek his help and he saw me less than 10mins. I was very sad the whole day.  I even cried in the car, thinking a Professor couldn’t help my sickness. I tried to accept the fate that none of the doctors’ could help me.

At the end April, my good friends gave me some good news, saying his boss wanted to hire me as a part time worker as a content editor for their company. This company provides jobs for disabled at home. I was really happy and excited because this is good company wanted to hire me. 

Before I start my job, my friend taught me how to handle the work. He gave trial work for few day to try for few days. In the beginning of May I start this job. Even though they called it a part time job, but to me it’s a full time job because I worked the whole day and night, 7 days a week. I couldn’t do my job as fast as they wanted but I did my best and took this job very seriously.

But my happiest lasted only 3 months when they (boss) took off my job without my knowledge.  At that moment, I really felt like an idot. People want me to work they hire me, but when they don't want me, they just dumped me. Don’t I get any respect? What I have learnt from the few pass jobs was never put too much trust on people who hire me.  Whatever come and go, take them as a lesson.

Even though, I took up this job yet I still helped Janice with her work. That 3 months really took away every negative things away from my mind. I was happy concentrating on my work instead of thinking of all the bad things.

After my job was taken away, my depression and negative thoughts came back to me again. I tried my best to fight against it.

Beginning of September, my dad contacted with a virus called “ BELL’S PALSY’. He was admitted in the hospital for two days for a complete check-up. Before that, my dad had been feeling very weak.  Now he is down with this sickness and cannot go anywhere or do anything much except rest in his room.

Thinking of my past, dad has been taking me everywhere I wanted to go. Sometime thinking of him, I miss him taking me out. I took my dad for granted that until he is sick than I missed the things he has done for me.

In December I had the most experience taking the Rapid Bus. I’m happy I took this challenge of going out on public transport together with my maid.

This is my experience for this year.  Everything I did, God was behind me,  only that I didn’t see or feel it. Everything I did, I did my very best.  I thank God for helping me through 2012.

For my other my activities, do refer to my other posts’.

Another interesting experience

On 13 December, I went for an outing with my OT staff, trainees' and patients' to Queensbay Mall by bus. I had a good experience because I have always wanted to ride a bus to Queensbay Mall.

For other OT patients', it was a learning experience on how to ride a bus, buy food stuff from Jusco, the department store. Me and a few trainees' went to other floors'

to buy few other things.

At 12pm all of us gathered at the food court for lunch. While waiting for our food, we got to know each others'. Few disabled boys who came with us was chatting and laughing on another table.

After lunch, we headed to the bus stop outside the mall and catch the bus back

to the hospital.

I really enjoyed this outing because I had a different experience.

A really happy day

I couldn't imagine years passes so fast that I'm over fourth now. I thank God that I could live until this age.

I'm so thankful to God I have a family who celebrate my birthday every year. We went to Gurney Plaza for lunch at BBQ Plaza Restaurant.  Even though the food wasn't that good but we enjoyed the company of each other. After lunch we went for window shopping.

Because I went with my maid by bus and my family drove Julie there. My family went back first because Julie needed to rest. I went back later by bus.

In the evening after dinner, Janice and family came to cut my birthday cake with me. They bought me a blueberry cheesecake. It was really nice to eat. Everyone was chit-chatting while enjoying the cake.

Though I didn't celebrate with any of my friends', some of them remembered my special day and text me messages

I'm grateful and thankful to God for my family who loves and care for me throughout my life.

Great disappointment

This year our Paralimpid Malaysia was held in Pahang from 9 - 14 December. My friends' and I from our Boccia team trained every Saturday and for the children, they trained during school days. I went for training mostly every week and there were a few teachers' came to help us picked the balls.

One afternoon in the mid of November, Joe, my coach called me and told me I have been pulled out from the competition as BC4, my catagory have only two players. They don't allow two players, but must have three.

Upon hearing the news, I was truly dishearten and was really sad as I was looking forward the tournement. I practice so hard, I even brought the balls' back home to practice at my apartment lobby. I kept praying for some miracle that they could find another BC4, but miracle didn't happen.

I had to slowly accept the fact that I would not be joining my Boccia team to Pahang. When God decide something we have to accept it even though with a heavy heart. We cannot fight against God, but accept His will.

My 1st Rapid bus ride

Sunday, 18 November, I took my 1st Rapid bus ride together with my maid. I used my power wheelchair and we walked around 10mins to the main road to catch the bus.

We went to Gurney Plaza for shopping and came back in the evening. Even thought it was only a short ride, but I learned something, going out by myself with my helper and take public transport. The bus ride only cost RM0.70 for disabled and RM1.40 for able body.

From then on, I had 4 other bus ride even until Tesco Tg. Bungah. It was really interesting and I'm happy that I have learn new things this year. I hope I will take more bus ride in future

Having activities with the stroke patient's

On November 9, 2012, I had a great morning with the Occupation Therapy's friends'. The department organized a half a day programme for the patients'. I was invited to join them (the stroke patients')

The programme started with some talk from the doctors' and the opening of the programme. We were divided into groups'and was given some daily activities to play and challenge between other groups'. Our group contain of 5 people won't
the challenge.

It was a nice morning mixing with other stroke patient's and get to know their sickness and suffering.

Mum's birthday

Yesterday we celebrated our beloved mum's birthday. This year we didn't go out anywhere to eat. My sister Janice bought food home from outside that she likes. My mum also cooked some fried mee. We had a great time together during lunch and dinner. Since yesterday was a public holiday, my brother in-law also join us for lunch.

Relatives and friends'remembered my mum birthday and wished her. My cousin came to our house with lot of food stuff for mum as a birthday gift. We bought her a birthday cake and sang birthday song.

Even though mum was busy the whole day yet she had a good birthday because all of us love and care for her.

My experience in Rapid Bus & Penang Hill

I would like to share my experience with you about my trip to Penang Hill which I went with my Occupation Theraphy and other patients' few months ago.

We went by Rapid bus. It was a great experience for me.

Blank mind

I have so many things I want to share, but my mind is blank that I don't know how to put words into writing. I don't have the mood and the inspiration to say what my heart desire to say.

Trap at home

Life at home is like a prison for me. Why I say so? It's because I'm trap in my house. I cannot go anywhere without transport and personal helper.

Though I have a loving family, yet my parents is getting old and they cannot bring me out any longer. My eldest sister has a family of her own. She is always busy with her work and taking care of her family.

I yearn so much to go out yet my main problems are transportation and a personal helper It's not easy find both of these. Now, even wanting go out to do some things is also very hard as I can't find any transport. My family members' are the only people who help me, but I can't depend on them too much as they are busy.

Now, my life is always at home - many times I get very frustrated and depress as
seeing others go out so easily.

Try putting yourself in my place and you will understand how I feel.

Julie happiest day

Yesterday we celebrated Julie my youngest sister 36th birthday. Our family took her to Gurney Plaza for lunch and shopping as she hardly go out. We took her round the shopping mall and to her favourite place, CD shop. She indeed had a great outing.

When we came home, we bought her a cake to cut. She was really happy the whole day. Each year she looks forward for her birthday because she get the chance to go out. I love her very much so on her special day and Christmas Day I will buy gifts that she likes.

Each birthday is a bonus for her because doctor's told us she could live only up to a year old as she was very sickly when young. She couldn't even talk until she was 5 years' old. Now she already has 36 birthdays' she is very lively and talk non-stop. Because she is a miracle child, I will always try to make her happy.

God has made her so well now. She he is happy as God is within her to make smile and cheerful always.

Communication break down

Today I don't feel as active as the previous day when I wrote my post. Now is 6.30pm, I feel so sleepy and don't have any mood. I'm in front of  my computer alone in my room listening to the radio.

I feel really tired but I yearn to write. At this moment I'm thinking of my life. I wish to have able bodies friends' who can take out for outing or shopping during weekends. Even now I wish there are friends' to take me out.. That's only a wish.

Loneliness is creping within me. I don't have friends who calls me and I don't anyone to share my feeling.  Because I seldom talk to my family members or share my feeling with them. I also hardly talk to my friends'  after our disagreement 2 years ago. Now I find it very hard talking to them. When we meet, I talk very little to them. Though I want to talk to them, I need to think before I speak. That's why I  always keep silence.

Because I hardly communicate , I don't really know how to converse with people. Despite I don't have friends' , I have my God to talk with. I can tell Him anything, He listen to all my problems. He is always there for me.

Overcoming the hurt

Days move without waiting for anyone. When we wake up in the morning, doing our daily task the whole day. Before we knew it's night again. Can you imagine 24 hours a day keeps moving.

Days become weeks. Weeks become months and become years.

Thinking back, my 2 nieces were only kids years back. Without knowing it, they have become young ladies. Sometimes I can't imagine time flies so fast.

I've gone through a lot of tough times. I believe it makes my inner spirit stronger and stronger which made me won't give up in life. Despite of my sickness and my struggled and challenges, I feel like giving up. Yet in some ways I didn't.

Many people insult and look down on me because I cant do much things because of my spasm. Because I'm on medication and it's makes me feel sleepy and tired. They only sees my out look.

People who knows me since young yet they don't seem to understand my condition, instead they look down on me. Even people who knew me from childhood days also insulted me. It's hard to imagine that!

I tried my best to forget on what they had to me, yet it hurt me deeply.

This is why in my preview posts I shared about my hurt, disappointment loneliness etc., but the main thing I didn't break down. I still carry on with a brave heart.

I know GOD is always with me and HE sees my broken heart. HE still loves me very much.

Seeing the positive side of life

I just remember my 'baby' which I ignored for the past 6 month.

After my last few posts which were so 'negetive', I tried to change myself not to think of all of all the sad things, but to leave them behind. I'm trying my best to see the positive side of life. There is more peace in my heart now, though sometimes the bad thought still flash in my mind. I try to remove it out of my mind by thinking of good things. It's not worth thinking of it and make myself unhappy again. Though I'm not completely happy, yet I have peace in my heart.

I have very few friends now, but I don't have any worries or sad about it because I realise having less friends is better many friends. Why? Having more friends who don't understand us better than few friends who understand us. This is a fact I heard from the radio. And I have learn from it.

Even though my friend seldom contact me, I don't take it to heart. Each of us have to go our way sooner or later. I have a real friend who is very close to my heart and HE my GOD. I talk to HIM about everything and he understand my feeling. He see me through everything. Sometimes I still ask God what's HIS plan, that's the only question has never been answered. So I continue with my daily life. Whatever God's plan for me, I believe it will be good because HE is the ONE who created me.

Smile....

Smile supposed to be an easy thing! But for me it's very hard just to smile. I face a lot of frustration, sadness & anger. I keep asking myself what is the purpose of my life.

I feel frustrated with my sickness (spasm) which attacked me very often. I can't improve myself in anything. Because of my spasm, I have difficulty finding any jobs. When I see all disabled friends are working and get the chance to mix with other friends and people. I feel angry that I have this sickness which makes me difficult to work and also nobody is willing to hire me.

Sometimes when I feel so frustrated with my spasm, I will hit my head and keep asking WHY, WHY? Because of my spasm, I have difficulty loving myself too.

Even though I have difficulty in accepting my sickness, I have to accept God’s plan for me. His plan is the best for me. So that's why it's never easy for me to smile...

God's will for me

At this moment, I totally have no mood to do anything. I'm starring the computer with blank mind. My heart is so empty and I'm feels so lonely. I wish to talk to someone about my problems, but nobody is here for me..

There is One person I can only turn to, which is my God. He knows everything in my heart. Many times when I'm hurt, frustrated, discourage, lonely. I will tell him everything. He is the One who sees all my problems. Many times I questioned Him and yet there is no answer. One day He will make me understand all His plans for me.

Goodbye 2011

This year has gone absolutely fast... Time goes by without waiting for anyone. Again today is the last day of 2011

I thank God for giving me another year of life. There is no bed of roses in our life, so is mine. It has been a challenging year and I had been through a tough time – emotionally.

I felt very frustrated, sad, lonely, depressed and discouraged with many things. The main thing is I felt very sad and lonely.

Beginning of this year as I was too desperate, I searched and found Couseling Centre.
I saw a counselor for 8 months and shared all my problem with her. She listened and advice me on what to do. I was happy that I found someone whom I could share my problems with. I was sad that we couldn’t continue our session as she has to future her studies. I do miss our time together.

I was only happy for 4 months as I was offered a home base work (working at home). I was busy with my work that I didn’t think much about problems. At the moment I did so well on my job. But for a reason, God took my job away. I felt really depressed that I kept asking God why He took my job away. But there was no answer and I had to accept the fact.

Even though I have a loving family, yet I couldn’t share/talk to anyone of them. What I felt was emptiness inside my heart. Many times, I wished I could go out whenever I want yet I can’t, because I have to depend on other’s to help me. My family member can't take me out everytime.

I felt so disheartened that I nearly break down. There was no purpose in my life. Everyday I sat in my room and felt so lonely. I can't share my problems with any of my family members and I don’t have any friends whom I can talk with. I tried my best to be happy yet I can’t.

I didn’t face any excitement throughout the year. Everyday was the same daily routine and I felt so dull.

Some weekends, I would go out with my friends in the van. When we reached our destination, we had lunch together. I didn't have much topic to talk to my friends' After lunch I went shopping/window shopping by myself as I wanted to be myself.

In end of September, we were forced to move out from our rented house which we stay for 23 years. The owner has given us few months notice yet we can’t find a suitable apartment.

At last the owner gave us one week notice to move out of the house. You cannot imagine how hectic it was it for our whole family. Last minute, with God’s grace He found a family who wanted to rent their apartment. My dad and sister went to see the place, my dad loves the apartment. Without much thought, we took the apartment.

Relatives and friends came to help us to move our furniture and things. Less than a week we moved into our new apartment. After staying here for 3 months, I still missed my old house. I really feel sad upon leaving that house, but life has to go on.

My family love our new home, so do I . We knew God specially has choose this home for us because it’s big enough for our furniture and things. And all our wheelchairs’ can get into this apartment.

It took us around a month to settle down. I like this apartment because it’s more airy than our old house. I was glad that my room is big enough to put my computer. It has been my desire for a long time to have a computer in my room.

During my birthday in December my family took me out few days earlier for lunch to celebrate my birthday . On my “special day”, It was just a usual day instead of “my special”. I sat in my room, in front of my computer the whole day. Again I felt the loneness and emptiness crept inside me.

This is what I faced in 2011. I can say it wasn’t a good year for me yet I thanked God for bring me through the whole year without breaking down. Instead He made me stronger.

What is life???

What I feel in my heart at this moment is emptiness. I have no friends whom I can trust to express my feelings. When I recalled my past, I was really happy with so many friends. Now everything seems to be gone. What is left - is always me alone. Even though I have a boyfriend, yet I feel the loneliness within me. Why? Why?

There is nothing seem to be able to make me happy. What is there in life??? What I know are most people I know look down on me. It's due to my spasm which prevent me from improving. Instead of accepting my condition, they belittle me. This make me really dislike them.

What I experience now is loneliness... Dear God please take away this loneliness!!!

Loneliness

I haven't been updating my blog for the past few months because I completely have no inspiration or mood to write.

I feel so lost and I keep feeling depress everyday. I don't understand what is God's purpose in my life. I can't feel the happiness in my heart. Why?

I have everything yet I'm not happy. I'm sure what is happening to me. Dear God please help me!!!

Swinging Mood

I don’t know why these days I have terrible swinging mood. One day I can be in good mood, another day I can be frustrated or sad. I guess I’m like the sun and the rain. I find it very difficult to cope with these moods.

Many times, I want to think positive yet I can’t. The negative feeling will cover it. I heard it from someone that when we feel/think negative, we must cover it with positive thinking. It’s not easy though, but we must try our best to do it.

People can say it so simple, but it’s so hard to do it. I know it as I have tried before and I’m still trying my best to think positive.

A cooling sunday morning

It’s a gloomy Sunday as it has been raining the whole morning. I’m really glad it rain.
Because the weather has been very hot the past few days, it cooled down the temperature. At least it’s not that hot now.

Whatever happen, we just have to accept it

It has been few months since I last update my post. I have been busy with my home base job. My job is home base job - "Facebook Social Media Marketing". It was an interesting job.

I can say working at home is completely different from working outside. It is like a coin with two sides. Working outside I can meet and mix with more people/friends, while working at home – is between me and the computer.

For me, working at home is definitely much easily as physically I need help. So my family members can help me anytime. But mentally I can go crazy because I don’t have anyone to talk nor do I get the chance to go out and mix with the outside world.

Now I realize it’s better to work outside than at home. If given me two choice, I prefer to work outside. But job oppotunitely don’t come so easy severely disabled. We have to grab it wherever it comes our way.

These four months I have learn a lot of thing through my job. It was a good experience for me. I thank my boss for being patient in teaching me many things.

If God give you something and then He suddenly takes it away, we have to accept it. He knows everything ahead of us.

Finally CNY is over!!!

I didn’t post up any post lately because I’ve been busy lately. Sunday is the only free time I have.

I can’t believe another 8 more days is the end of February. I’m so happy Chinese New Year is finally over. Yeah!!!!! The first day of New Year was the worst day as more than 20 over relatives ( uncle, cousins and their children) was in my house! Can you believe that? It was like “pasar petang” in my house. As I’m not close to any of my cousins’, I went to my room and take a nab. I’m so glad the big occasion is over.

Even though I didn’t look forward for Chinese New Year, anyhow I had a pleasant time during that 2 weeks. It was because I didn’t treat it as New Year occasion, butI just treat it as normal days.

Misses all my children

Because of my severe spasm which attacked me everyday and the pressure I have working with the severe young adults, I had to quit my job. You will not know how sad I was to leave my working place after five months there. I began to love and care for all the young adults because each individual are God’s special child.

Every morning when my dad wheeled me into my work place, most of the “children” would wish me Good morning. It's such warm feeling. I’m so happy to see their faces everyday.

Joblink Centre is a happy working place for all these young adults. It’s like a home for them where they meet each other everyday. Even though the centre is like a “pasar malam” yet you can feel very comfortable working with them.

Since the day I resign from job, I missed all the “children” very much. I could still hear their voices and I could see their adorable, innocent and happy faces in my mind.

God gave me something good but after five months He took it away. I really cannot understand why. He took me into the world of mentally challenge disabled people and He took me out again. It’s a good experience and challenge working with them. I didn’t want to leave, but the pressure was over my limit. That was why I had to give up.

Dear God, thank you for this short term experience and challenge you gave me.

Changes for 2011

Today is the fourth day of New Year. I will try to change my view in life - that is trying my best to see life more positively. My whole life has been a struggle, so i will try to see the achievement that I have achieve all these years. And try to see my present situation more positiely.

Goodbye 2010

365 days has just gone by in an eclipse of an eye. Before we knew it, it the last day of 2010. I thank God this year has passed by so fast because I can say this is not a good year for me.

In February –March, I had a taste of Independent Living for one month in Kepong, Kuala Lumpur. Even though I faced a tough time there, but I felt good as I had small room to myself and good and caring disabled friends who helped me in many ways. I tried my best to fight and not o give up, but my body was too tired and gave way. Because I had a doctor appointment, I came back and I told myself I will go back there again.

Because I overstrained myself in Kuala Lumpur and also due to the new medication the doctor gave me, I was terribly sick for one and a half month. I couldn’t move my limbs neigher could I lifted up my head. My neck was so soft that my parents’ had to tie my head to head rest. It was the most frustrating and depressing time I ever felt. My spasm attacked me every night without fail and I couldn’t sleep. My parents struggled with me. No one knew the terrible time I had gone through except God. Slowly, I recovered. I thank God for helping me to pull through.

I faced another disappointment. In May there was a Boccia tournament in Kuala Lumpur. Because I was sick and couldn’t go for training, I had to let go one tournament.

I thought of going back to Kuala Lumpur, but my parents’ wouldn’t allow me as they were afraid I would overstrain myself again. That was the end of my Kuala Lumpur life. No one would never know how much I missed my life there

You would surely be wondering why I never write about my friends lately. It was because we had some problems and I got hurt in many ways. I had offended one of my friends’ feelings and she got terribly mad at me. Because of that some other problems arise between me and my other friends. I was mad and was deeply hurt that I couldn’t bring myself to talk to them. I never realize this would happen after 30 years of friendship. Until today, the hurt is still with me. No one would understand my feelings except God. I wonder will we be able to talk again like before?

Let me give you some bright side of my life. In August God gave me a job in Joblink Centre (a shelter workshop). There are altogether nearly 50 mentally challenge young adults. In the beginning I wasn’t keen to take up the job as I have no experience about mentally challenge disabled. But I told my boss I would give it a try. After working with them for few weeks, I felt they are very loveable, happy and very discipline young people.

My position is a supervisor taking care and working together with a group of them consists of five to six of them. All the work are sub-contract work from factory/companies. It’s not an easy job because I have to control, push, scold and shout at them to do their job. It’s interesting to know each of their character and attitude. It wasn’t easy to work as my spasm attacked me quite often, but I thank God I manage it through everyday. I’m happy my work give me the chance to meet more people and see the life of the mentally challenge disabled friends.

I was happy my Japan story was published in Challenges Magazine in September issue. I was also happy me and my family get to watch Air Supply live concert in PISA, Penang.

In November , I went to Melacca for Paralimpiad (boccia tournement). We stayed in University Teknologi Malaysia for a week. I didn't play that good as my body wasn't feeling well and my spasm attacked. So, what I got was only bronze medal.

What I could see that 2010 wasn’t a good year for me. Other than my work, I’m always alone in my computer room listening to music. Even though there are some peace but the loneliness was within me. Sometime I kept thinking and thinking, mostly are negative thought.

The most important is my family and my boyfriend is there for me. I’m so relief that T.L. is with me in time of my trouble, advising, comfort and encouraged me to think positive. I really thank God for them in my life.

I have no desire to make any new resolution for 2011, but will try to think positive and accept one day at the time.

This is my last post for this year. I enjoy writing and thank you for reading my stories.

Happy New Year 2011.

Comment

Dear Readers, Thank you for following my life story. I'm sorry that I share so much of my sad stories all these while because that is what I have gone through. And it's my true feeling.

I will like it if you give me more comments so that I can know you are following my stories. And also give me some inspiration.

Thank you again.

My special day

My nieces Cherylene, Sherine and sister Julie

Me and my family

Me and small little cake

Friday 10th December was my special day, but it was like a normal day. I wasn’t that happy this year because I didn’t celebrate any of my friends’. Earlier on Sunday, my boyfriend took me out to celebrate with me. He gave me a simple gift that was enough for me.

On Wednesday 8 December, my family took me to lunch at Little Cottage (outside our house). Since it was a weekday, there was no buffet so we had 5 course set lunch. It was good to birthdays’ gathering. On my real day, Janice bought me some cakes and my family sang birthday song. At night there was a Christmas party in my centre. At least I could say I was happy that few hours dancing with my wheelchair and enjoyed the music.

The reason I wasn’t happy on my birthday was every year I have my good friends to celebrate with. But this year is completely different, I didn’t celebrate with any of them due to some problems arise months ago. Some of my family members and friends send me birthday messages. So my birthday was just a usual working day without any of the staff knew it.

I can say this birthday was nothing special. I thank God for one thing that He gave me another birthday this year. And I thank Him for giving me family who love and celebrate my birthday every year.

Paralimpiad in Melacca -2010

My 3rd medal since 2006

Penang Team

Only 3rd place -bronze medal

Medal giving

Me and another opponent (and friend) Arasu from Perak

Me and my opponent from Selangor

This year Paralimpiad Malaysia was held in Melaka from 19-26 November 2010.

Our Penang Boccia Team consists of five members. It took 8 hours drive by van to reach Melaka. All the wheelchairs' athetic stayed in University Teknologi Malaysia (Bandaraya Melaka). The rest of atletic who can walk stayed in the same University but in another place one and half hour drive from the University we stay.

The University we stayed in was apartment style with three rooms. We stayed on the 4th floor. My mum and I together with another friend and her maid took the master room with toilet/bathroom inside our room. It was really comfortable place compare to the previous University we stayed in 2 years ago.

Our game started from 22-24 November, There were five states competing -Selangor, Wilayah Persekutuan, Johor, Perak and Penang. On the fews day of our tournement we had to wake up at 4am as we had to take turns to bath and toileting. It takes time for us to get ready. Breakfast was at 5.45am. We had to wait for the Rapid Bus by 7am. Because we had to reach the Stadium by 8am, there were two police man escorting our two buses to the Stadium. We reached there around half and hour, if not it would take us a longer time to reach the Stadium due to the traffic jam.

It was very hectic on the first two days of our tournement as there were many groups competing among each other. My game was only on the first day as I only challenge with Perak and Selangor. On the third day was the final game and the presentation was in the afternoon. I felt slightly disappointed as I only got bronze this year. I tried my best to play well, but it wasn't good enough. I had my spasm (muscle pull) on my competition day that's why I couldn't play well. Overall, Selangor was the the winner.

I played my best, but what I got was the last place. I will never give up playing Boccia. I will my best try to get into international. That's what I'm looking forward to play with other contries. God please give me this chance.

My first ever life concert with Air Supply

Outside PISA main entrence

With Air Supply banner

Together with Deahnis & Jeahnis Wong family

Great Performance

At Penang International Sport Arena (PISA)

16 November 2010

Jeahnis Ng co-organizer of Star Planet handing over the tickets

10 November 2010

DNA,I love you both

Anne Anantom and Don marriage in Assumption Church Kuala Lumpur

18 September 2010

I was really happy that i attended my good friend, Anne Anantom wedding.

Despite objections from my parents, yet I managed to attend her wedding. My mum and I went to Kuala Lumpur by Air Asia. We spent few days at my uncle's house, he brought us here and there.

He drove us to the Church of Assumption where Anne and Don wedding were held. Later, Anne's friend, Paul gave us a lift to their reception for lunch in Bukit Jalil Resort. It was my first time at the resort. When we entered into the Ballroom, I was so amazed that it was such a beautiful place.When the lunch ended, Esther (Anne's aunt) dropped us back at my uncle's house. I never know Esther was such a kind hearted person until the wedding day.

I felt happy as I went until Kuala Lumpur to attend my friend wedding. It wasn't easy, but managed it.

Anne and Don, may our good God be with you both in your entire marrige life.

Thank you for your friendship.

Happy birthday dearest mum

Family photo - 16/9/2010

On 17 September 2010, was my dear mum 74 birthday. Since we couldn't celebrate on her real birthday due to our busy schedule, we celebrated a day earlier. Julie (my youngest sister) shared to buy her a birthday cake.

Earlier that weekend (Sunday) Janice (my eldest sister) and her family took our family mum for for a luncheon at Little Cottage. It's just 5 minutes walk from our house, so all of us walked there. My niece (Sherine) wheeled me, while my brother in-law (Denis) wheeled Julie.

I was specially happy because we had western food. The restaurant was full that afternoon, luckily there was a table at the corner for us. There was buffet that Sunday, some of us had buffet. The kids, Janice and myself ordered our own food. Because we ordered 3 plates, we shared among ourselves. It was a nice family gathering to celebrate mum's birthday.

Julie's special day

Julie 34 birthday - 29/7/2010

Dinner at Secret Receipt in Gurney Plaza

We celebrated Julie's birthday on 29 July 2010. She was so so happy even before her bithday arrive. On her birthday, we took her to Gurney Plaza for dinner and we had western food in Secret Receipt.

After dinner, we went shopping and took her to Artist Gallery (CD shop) where she was keen to see her favour CD, but sad to say, the CD she wanted didn't have in the shop. She was slightly disappointed, but she accepted it. Anyhow, she was very happy.

Goodbye Fr. Mashall

I can’t imagine I will be saying goodbye to a very good friend soon. He is our Parish Priest, Fr. Mashall Fernandez of four years. He is a very good priest as he is humble and kind hearted. He is the only priest who gets close with the disabled friends in our church. He is the only person who treated me like a woman (instead of a child/girl) like most people treated me.

I would go to him wherever I have any problems and he would listen to me patiently. He encourages me to follow my heart and never to give up in life. That is the most encouraging words I ever have from a person. It touches my heart as no one has ever encourages me before like Fr. Mashall. Ever though I failed many times, he continues to support me.

People come in and out from my life. But for Fr. Mashall, he will surely stay in my heart. It really saddens me to see him leave, as I don’t have anyone to share my problem with. But my dear God have to take him to another church in Alor Setar.

Thank you Fr. For caring for me these four years and see me as a woman, treated me as an adult and especially be a good friend to me. May our good God continue to bless and guide you wherever HE wants you to be.

My first experience in Rapid Bus

On 17th July 2010, we had our 1st boccia training in Spastic Centre, two months after the tournament which held Kuala Lumpur in May. We started our training from 9.30am until 12pm. Because my parents took me Julie (my youngest sister) for exercises earlier and we home around 10.30am. I had to find my way home.

Because I didn’t want to take my usual cab which charged me RM12 per trip, I asked Joyce, my coach who could drop me home. But there was no one heading the direction to my home, Pit Chong, a volunteer (who is helping in Boccia) was willing to take me on the rapid bus and company me home. I was relief there was someone to help me.

We finished our training around 12pm, because there was a heavy traffic on the main road and the bus stop was across the road. Two staffs were kind enough to stop the traffic for Pit Chong to wheel me across. In the middle of the road there was a divider, Pit Chong and another staff had to carry me over and he wheeled me very fast as the cars keep rushing by.

When we reached the bus stop, there were few school boys waiting the bus too. We waited for nearly half an hour before it arrived. When the bus came, the door opened. The driver saw us and came to assistants us, he opened the ramp (from inside and place onto the ground). Though the ramp is not steep, it must take a person who good in handling a wheelchair to pushed me up the bus. If not I will surely fall.

I heard there was an incident when the bus assistant wanted to push a man in the wheelchair up the ramp, but the bus assistant didn’t see there was a small hole in front. So he pushed the man quite fast, but the man toppled down, luckily his body was strong enough to support himself. Luckily nothing happened to the disabled man.

So, Pit Chong wheeled me up into the bus. There is only one place for a wheelchair user. He turned me round facing the back people and tied a seat bell round my waist. I saw Pit Chong went to pay the bus driver. For disabled they charged RM1.00 and able body RM2.00 or more. Since I couldn’t face the front, I heard there was a lot of noise in front and the back seats were full with people.

The bus driver stopped at many places for passengers to get down. He went round the town before coming to Pulau Tikus where I stay. Most of them were Malay passengers’ who went down in Komtar.

There is a bell at every side of every seat. It’s convenient for passengers to press and stop at their destination. I couldn’t see much of where the bus was heading because I had to close my eyes as I had headache. It was uncomfortable sitting facing the back . I couldn’t wait to get down at the Adventist Hospital bus stop as it was outside my house.

At last the bus stopped in front of Adventist Hospital, Pit Chong wheeled me down the ramp. He wheeled me all the way to my house which took around 20 minutes walk.

It was interesting as I went round the town for just only RM1.00. This is a very new experience for me as my first time in the Rapid Bus.

Unforgettable

It has been a year and two months since I went to Lourdes in France. The memory is still so fresh in my mind. It was a great experience from the time I stepped into the Penang International Airport until the time I came home.

I couldn’t imagine that I went to Lourdes, such a long trip, yet God made my dream to France came true. No one could felt the peace that I felt when I was there. It was just wonderful as I had witness so many things when I was in the Holy place.

I wish that I will be able to go to Lourdes again, if it’s God’s will. It’s a wonderful and peaceful place that most Catholics’ wants to go.

My destiny

Ever since last week I told my family that I wanted to go back to KL, they started discouraging me. They keep telling me everything is provided for me at home. They don’t understand that I want a challenging life instead of sitting at home I tried very hard to explain to my mum that I’m thinking of my future. I even wrote to them a list how life is between Penang and KL yet they treated it as nothing. I felt sad that they are not willing to respect my decision and understand my feeling. I know they care for me and don’t want me to go through hard time in KL

I want continue fighting for it, but I’m tired of telling my parents who are against my decision. I guess I have to give up my dream and stay in Penang. Is it not God’s will for my dream to come true? Why did He opened the door twice and then closed back again? Maybe He has other plan for me? I really can’t understand it. I believe He wanted me to taste the hardship, but I could stand only my parents can’t bear seeing me living in difficult life.

I felt sad that I was in Kepong centre for only a month. I wish I could stay there longer and get to know my friends' deeper. The one that will keep me back from going back to KL is my boyfriend. We have been together nearly five years, I don’t want to lose him just because I intend to go back KL.

God is my “boss” and I cannot go against His will. My destiny is to stay in Penang. I have to accept His will for me . Even though I’m not happy here yet I cannot do anything. I have to take one day at the time.

Angel pattern

I’m happy that I had finished two of my bookmarks cross-stitch. It took me more than two weeks to finish a pattern. I couldn’t wait to finished it and see the outcome of it. It’s a pattern of a little angle. I was happy when I see it. Now I’m doing the third pattern which is flower.

Remember me this way

Every now and then

We find a special friend

who never let us down


Who understand it all

Reaches out each time you fall

You're the best friend that I've found


I know you can't stay

apart of you will never ever go away

your heart will stay


I make a wish for you

and hope it will come true

that life would be kind

to such a gentle mind

if you lose your way

think back of yesterday

Remember me this way ohhh

Remember me this way


I don't need eyes to see

the love you bring to me

No matter where I go

And I know you'll be there

forevermore a part of me

You're everywhere

I always care

I make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life would be kind

To your gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back of yesterday

Remember me this way

Remember me this way

I'll be right behind your shoulder

watching you

I'll be standing by your side

In all you do

I won't ever leave you

as long as you believe

you just believe

I make a wish for you

and hope it will come true

that life would just be kind

to such a gentle mind

if you lose you way

think back of yesterday

remember me this way

Remember me this way


Dedicate to my best friend

My Fight

Everyday I occupied my time doing many things, yet when I’m sitting in front of my computer and listen to love songs. I feel my life is very empty and I’m sad. I feel lost as I don’t know where I’m heading.

I’m tore between Penang and KL. I can feel my body is here, but spiritually I’m in KL. Everyday I’m thinking of the daily activities and I missed all my friends there. Why do struggle with this feeling everyday? I hate this feeling.

If I’m independent enough, I will take a cab to the airport. Take a flight back to KL and take a cab to my centre. This is my real feeling. Am I crazy thinking of this? I can’t imagine myself, as I had gone through so much difficulties yet I want to go back there. Am I stupid? There are many questions in my mind everyday.

The main reason why I wanted to go back to my Kepong centre is all my friends are very positive thinking and can get the freedom to do what we like. The things which are difficult to handle, they will think of ways to help us and give positive advice. Not like my family members and friends here, they are all very negative and discouraging. It’s not easy to change their mind unless I fight my way through, then I can get a positive life.

I have to fight very hard to get my independence and freedom, if not I will only be trap in my own home.