Mum's birthday

Yesterday we celebrated our beloved mum's birthday. This year we didn't go out anywhere to eat. My sister Janice bought food home from outside that she likes. My mum also cooked some fried mee. We had a great time together during lunch and dinner. Since yesterday was a public holiday, my brother in-law also join us for lunch.

Relatives and friends'remembered my mum birthday and wished her. My cousin came to our house with lot of food stuff for mum as a birthday gift. We bought her a birthday cake and sang birthday song.

Even though mum was busy the whole day yet she had a good birthday because all of us love and care for her.

My experience in Rapid Bus & Penang Hill

I would like to share my experience with you about my trip to Penang Hill which I went with my Occupation Theraphy and other patients' few months ago.

We went by Rapid bus. It was a great experience for me.

Blank mind

I have so many things I want to share, but my mind is blank that I don't know how to put words into writing. I don't have the mood and the inspiration to say what my heart desire to say.

Trap at home

Life at home is like a prison for me. Why I say so? It's because I'm trap in my house. I cannot go anywhere without transport and personal helper.

Though I have a loving family, yet my parents is getting old and they cannot bring me out any longer. My eldest sister has a family of her own. She is always busy with her work and taking care of her family.

I yearn so much to go out yet my main problems are transportation and a personal helper It's not easy find both of these. Now, even wanting go out to do some things is also very hard as I can't find any transport. My family members' are the only people who help me, but I can't depend on them too much as they are busy.

Now, my life is always at home - many times I get very frustrated and depress as
seeing others go out so easily.

Try putting yourself in my place and you will understand how I feel.

Julie happiest day

Yesterday we celebrated Julie my youngest sister 36th birthday. Our family took her to Gurney Plaza for lunch and shopping as she hardly go out. We took her round the shopping mall and to her favourite place, CD shop. She indeed had a great outing.

When we came home, we bought her a cake to cut. She was really happy the whole day. Each year she looks forward for her birthday because she get the chance to go out. I love her very much so on her special day and Christmas Day I will buy gifts that she likes.

Each birthday is a bonus for her because doctor's told us she could live only up to a year old as she was very sickly when young. She couldn't even talk until she was 5 years' old. Now she already has 36 birthdays' she is very lively and talk non-stop. Because she is a miracle child, I will always try to make her happy.

God has made her so well now. She he is happy as God is within her to make smile and cheerful always.

Communication break down

Today I don't feel as active as the previous day when I wrote my post. Now is 6.30pm, I feel so sleepy and don't have any mood. I'm in front of  my computer alone in my room listening to the radio.

I feel really tired but I yearn to write. At this moment I'm thinking of my life. I wish to have able bodies friends' who can take out for outing or shopping during weekends. Even now I wish there are friends' to take me out.. That's only a wish.

Loneliness is creping within me. I don't have friends who calls me and I don't anyone to share my feeling.  Because I seldom talk to my family members or share my feeling with them. I also hardly talk to my friends'  after our disagreement 2 years ago. Now I find it very hard talking to them. When we meet, I talk very little to them. Though I want to talk to them, I need to think before I speak. That's why I  always keep silence.

Because I hardly communicate , I don't really know how to converse with people. Despite I don't have friends' , I have my God to talk with. I can tell Him anything, He listen to all my problems. He is always there for me.

Overcoming the hurt

Days move without waiting for anyone. When we wake up in the morning, doing our daily task the whole day. Before we knew it's night again. Can you imagine 24 hours a day keeps moving.

Days become weeks. Weeks become months and become years.

Thinking back, my 2 nieces were only kids years back. Without knowing it, they have become young ladies. Sometimes I can't imagine time flies so fast.

I've gone through a lot of tough times. I believe it makes my inner spirit stronger and stronger which made me won't give up in life. Despite of my sickness and my struggled and challenges, I feel like giving up. Yet in some ways I didn't.

Many people insult and look down on me because I cant do much things because of my spasm. Because I'm on medication and it's makes me feel sleepy and tired. They only sees my out look.

People who knows me since young yet they don't seem to understand my condition, instead they look down on me. Even people who knew me from childhood days also insulted me. It's hard to imagine that!

I tried my best to forget on what they had to me, yet it hurt me deeply.

This is why in my preview posts I shared about my hurt, disappointment loneliness etc., but the main thing I didn't break down. I still carry on with a brave heart.

I know GOD is always with me and HE sees my broken heart. HE still loves me very much.

Seeing the positive side of life

I just remember my 'baby' which I ignored for the past 6 month.

After my last few posts which were so 'negetive', I tried to change myself not to think of all of all the sad things, but to leave them behind. I'm trying my best to see the positive side of life. There is more peace in my heart now, though sometimes the bad thought still flash in my mind. I try to remove it out of my mind by thinking of good things. It's not worth thinking of it and make myself unhappy again. Though I'm not completely happy, yet I have peace in my heart.

I have very few friends now, but I don't have any worries or sad about it because I realise having less friends is better many friends. Why? Having more friends who don't understand us better than few friends who understand us. This is a fact I heard from the radio. And I have learn from it.

Even though my friend seldom contact me, I don't take it to heart. Each of us have to go our way sooner or later. I have a real friend who is very close to my heart and HE my GOD. I talk to HIM about everything and he understand my feeling. He see me through everything. Sometimes I still ask God what's HIS plan, that's the only question has never been answered. So I continue with my daily life. Whatever God's plan for me, I believe it will be good because HE is the ONE who created me.

Smile....

Smile supposed to be an easy thing! But for me it's very hard just to smile. I face a lot of frustration, sadness & anger. I keep asking myself what is the purpose of my life.

I feel frustrated with my sickness (spasm) which attacked me very often. I can't improve myself in anything. Because of my spasm, I have difficulty finding any jobs. When I see all disabled friends are working and get the chance to mix with other friends and people. I feel angry that I have this sickness which makes me difficult to work and also nobody is willing to hire me.

Sometimes when I feel so frustrated with my spasm, I will hit my head and keep asking WHY, WHY? Because of my spasm, I have difficulty loving myself too.

Even though I have difficulty in accepting my sickness, I have to accept God’s plan for me. His plan is the best for me. So that's why it's never easy for me to smile...

God's will for me

At this moment, I totally have no mood to do anything. I'm starring the computer with blank mind. My heart is so empty and I'm feels so lonely. I wish to talk to someone about my problems, but nobody is here for me..

There is One person I can only turn to, which is my God. He knows everything in my heart. Many times when I'm hurt, frustrated, discourage, lonely. I will tell him everything. He is the One who sees all my problems. Many times I questioned Him and yet there is no answer. One day He will make me understand all His plans for me.

Goodbye 2011

This year has gone absolutely fast... Time goes by without waiting for anyone. Again today is the last day of 2011

I thank God for giving me another year of life. There is no bed of roses in our life, so is mine. It has been a challenging year and I had been through a tough time – emotionally.

I felt very frustrated, sad, lonely, depressed and discouraged with many things. The main thing is I felt very sad and lonely.

Beginning of this year as I was too desperate, I searched and found Couseling Centre.
I saw a counselor for 8 months and shared all my problem with her. She listened and advice me on what to do. I was happy that I found someone whom I could share my problems with. I was sad that we couldn’t continue our session as she has to future her studies. I do miss our time together.

I was only happy for 4 months as I was offered a home base work (working at home). I was busy with my work that I didn’t think much about problems. At the moment I did so well on my job. But for a reason, God took my job away. I felt really depressed that I kept asking God why He took my job away. But there was no answer and I had to accept the fact.

Even though I have a loving family, yet I couldn’t share/talk to anyone of them. What I felt was emptiness inside my heart. Many times, I wished I could go out whenever I want yet I can’t, because I have to depend on other’s to help me. My family member can't take me out everytime.

I felt so disheartened that I nearly break down. There was no purpose in my life. Everyday I sat in my room and felt so lonely. I can't share my problems with any of my family members and I don’t have any friends whom I can talk with. I tried my best to be happy yet I can’t.

I didn’t face any excitement throughout the year. Everyday was the same daily routine and I felt so dull.

Some weekends, I would go out with my friends in the van. When we reached our destination, we had lunch together. I didn't have much topic to talk to my friends' After lunch I went shopping/window shopping by myself as I wanted to be myself.

In end of September, we were forced to move out from our rented house which we stay for 23 years. The owner has given us few months notice yet we can’t find a suitable apartment.

At last the owner gave us one week notice to move out of the house. You cannot imagine how hectic it was it for our whole family. Last minute, with God’s grace He found a family who wanted to rent their apartment. My dad and sister went to see the place, my dad loves the apartment. Without much thought, we took the apartment.

Relatives and friends came to help us to move our furniture and things. Less than a week we moved into our new apartment. After staying here for 3 months, I still missed my old house. I really feel sad upon leaving that house, but life has to go on.

My family love our new home, so do I . We knew God specially has choose this home for us because it’s big enough for our furniture and things. And all our wheelchairs’ can get into this apartment.

It took us around a month to settle down. I like this apartment because it’s more airy than our old house. I was glad that my room is big enough to put my computer. It has been my desire for a long time to have a computer in my room.

During my birthday in December my family took me out few days earlier for lunch to celebrate my birthday . On my “special day”, It was just a usual day instead of “my special”. I sat in my room, in front of my computer the whole day. Again I felt the loneness and emptiness crept inside me.

This is what I faced in 2011. I can say it wasn’t a good year for me yet I thanked God for bring me through the whole year without breaking down. Instead He made me stronger.

What is life???

What I feel in my heart at this moment is emptiness. I have no friends whom I can trust to express my feelings. When I recalled my past, I was really happy with so many friends. Now everything seems to be gone. What is left - is always me alone. Even though I have a boyfriend, yet I feel the loneliness within me. Why? Why?

There is nothing seem to be able to make me happy. What is there in life??? What I know are most people I know look down on me. It's due to my spasm which prevent me from improving. Instead of accepting my condition, they belittle me. This make me really dislike them.

What I experience now is loneliness... Dear God please take away this loneliness!!!

Loneliness

I haven't been updating my blog for the past few months because I completely have no inspiration or mood to write.

I feel so lost and I keep feeling depress everyday. I don't understand what is God's purpose in my life. I can't feel the happiness in my heart. Why?

I have everything yet I'm not happy. I'm sure what is happening to me. Dear God please help me!!!

Swinging Mood

I don’t know why these days I have terrible swinging mood. One day I can be in good mood, another day I can be frustrated or sad. I guess I’m like the sun and the rain. I find it very difficult to cope with these moods.

Many times, I want to think positive yet I can’t. The negative feeling will cover it. I heard it from someone that when we feel/think negative, we must cover it with positive thinking. It’s not easy though, but we must try our best to do it.

People can say it so simple, but it’s so hard to do it. I know it as I have tried before and I’m still trying my best to think positive.

A cooling sunday morning

It’s a gloomy Sunday as it has been raining the whole morning. I’m really glad it rain.
Because the weather has been very hot the past few days, it cooled down the temperature. At least it’s not that hot now.

Whatever happen, we just have to accept it

It has been few months since I last update my post. I have been busy with my home base job. My job is home base job - "Facebook Social Media Marketing". It was an interesting job.

I can say working at home is completely different from working outside. It is like a coin with two sides. Working outside I can meet and mix with more people/friends, while working at home – is between me and the computer.

For me, working at home is definitely much easily as physically I need help. So my family members can help me anytime. But mentally I can go crazy because I don’t have anyone to talk nor do I get the chance to go out and mix with the outside world.

Now I realize it’s better to work outside than at home. If given me two choice, I prefer to work outside. But job oppotunitely don’t come so easy severely disabled. We have to grab it wherever it comes our way.

These four months I have learn a lot of thing through my job. It was a good experience for me. I thank my boss for being patient in teaching me many things.

If God give you something and then He suddenly takes it away, we have to accept it. He knows everything ahead of us.

Finally CNY is over!!!

I didn’t post up any post lately because I’ve been busy lately. Sunday is the only free time I have.

I can’t believe another 8 more days is the end of February. I’m so happy Chinese New Year is finally over. Yeah!!!!! The first day of New Year was the worst day as more than 20 over relatives ( uncle, cousins and their children) was in my house! Can you believe that? It was like “pasar petang” in my house. As I’m not close to any of my cousins’, I went to my room and take a nab. I’m so glad the big occasion is over.

Even though I didn’t look forward for Chinese New Year, anyhow I had a pleasant time during that 2 weeks. It was because I didn’t treat it as New Year occasion, butI just treat it as normal days.

Misses all my children

Because of my severe spasm which attacked me everyday and the pressure I have working with the severe young adults, I had to quit my job. You will not know how sad I was to leave my working place after five months there. I began to love and care for all the young adults because each individual are God’s special child.

Every morning when my dad wheeled me into my work place, most of the “children” would wish me Good morning. It's such warm feeling. I’m so happy to see their faces everyday.

Joblink Centre is a happy working place for all these young adults. It’s like a home for them where they meet each other everyday. Even though the centre is like a “pasar malam” yet you can feel very comfortable working with them.

Since the day I resign from job, I missed all the “children” very much. I could still hear their voices and I could see their adorable, innocent and happy faces in my mind.

God gave me something good but after five months He took it away. I really cannot understand why. He took me into the world of mentally challenge disabled people and He took me out again. It’s a good experience and challenge working with them. I didn’t want to leave, but the pressure was over my limit. That was why I had to give up.

Dear God, thank you for this short term experience and challenge you gave me.

Changes for 2011

Today is the fourth day of New Year. I will try to change my view in life - that is trying my best to see life more positively. My whole life has been a struggle, so i will try to see the achievement that I have achieve all these years. And try to see my present situation more positiely.

Goodbye 2010

365 days has just gone by in an eclipse of an eye. Before we knew it, it the last day of 2010. I thank God this year has passed by so fast because I can say this is not a good year for me.

In February –March, I had a taste of Independent Living for one month in Kepong, Kuala Lumpur. Even though I faced a tough time there, but I felt good as I had small room to myself and good and caring disabled friends who helped me in many ways. I tried my best to fight and not o give up, but my body was too tired and gave way. Because I had a doctor appointment, I came back and I told myself I will go back there again.

Because I overstrained myself in Kuala Lumpur and also due to the new medication the doctor gave me, I was terribly sick for one and a half month. I couldn’t move my limbs neigher could I lifted up my head. My neck was so soft that my parents’ had to tie my head to head rest. It was the most frustrating and depressing time I ever felt. My spasm attacked me every night without fail and I couldn’t sleep. My parents struggled with me. No one knew the terrible time I had gone through except God. Slowly, I recovered. I thank God for helping me to pull through.

I faced another disappointment. In May there was a Boccia tournament in Kuala Lumpur. Because I was sick and couldn’t go for training, I had to let go one tournament.

I thought of going back to Kuala Lumpur, but my parents’ wouldn’t allow me as they were afraid I would overstrain myself again. That was the end of my Kuala Lumpur life. No one would never know how much I missed my life there

You would surely be wondering why I never write about my friends lately. It was because we had some problems and I got hurt in many ways. I had offended one of my friends’ feelings and she got terribly mad at me. Because of that some other problems arise between me and my other friends. I was mad and was deeply hurt that I couldn’t bring myself to talk to them. I never realize this would happen after 30 years of friendship. Until today, the hurt is still with me. No one would understand my feelings except God. I wonder will we be able to talk again like before?

Let me give you some bright side of my life. In August God gave me a job in Joblink Centre (a shelter workshop). There are altogether nearly 50 mentally challenge young adults. In the beginning I wasn’t keen to take up the job as I have no experience about mentally challenge disabled. But I told my boss I would give it a try. After working with them for few weeks, I felt they are very loveable, happy and very discipline young people.

My position is a supervisor taking care and working together with a group of them consists of five to six of them. All the work are sub-contract work from factory/companies. It’s not an easy job because I have to control, push, scold and shout at them to do their job. It’s interesting to know each of their character and attitude. It wasn’t easy to work as my spasm attacked me quite often, but I thank God I manage it through everyday. I’m happy my work give me the chance to meet more people and see the life of the mentally challenge disabled friends.

I was happy my Japan story was published in Challenges Magazine in September issue. I was also happy me and my family get to watch Air Supply live concert in PISA, Penang.

In November , I went to Melacca for Paralimpiad (boccia tournement). We stayed in University Teknologi Malaysia for a week. I didn't play that good as my body wasn't feeling well and my spasm attacked. So, what I got was only bronze medal.

What I could see that 2010 wasn’t a good year for me. Other than my work, I’m always alone in my computer room listening to music. Even though there are some peace but the loneliness was within me. Sometime I kept thinking and thinking, mostly are negative thought.

The most important is my family and my boyfriend is there for me. I’m so relief that T.L. is with me in time of my trouble, advising, comfort and encouraged me to think positive. I really thank God for them in my life.

I have no desire to make any new resolution for 2011, but will try to think positive and accept one day at the time.

This is my last post for this year. I enjoy writing and thank you for reading my stories.

Happy New Year 2011.