My hard work is almost done

Around 3 weeks ago, I finished 4 pieces of my cross-stitch for my friend, Maureen and I receive RM52 from her. She ordered another 4 pieces from me. This time I do slightly slow as the cross-stitch cloth is smaller and certain times i did some mistake due to the wrong pattern I have seen. I have to take off the tread and sew the correct pattern again. That takes a lot of time, but I patiently do because I want to see the beautiful pattern come out from it. I hope I can finish all 4 pieces by this week.

Not that easy

I'm glad I've finished my 4th piece of cross-stitch and now starting my 5th piece. Though you can see it's small and easy to do yet the planning is not that simple as I've to chose the pattern and the colours to match it. Sometimes, I did a simple mistake, I've to re do all again. That takes a lot of time and patient. Many times, I wanted to finish them faster yet I can't because of my eye sight problem as I can't see small things too long. I can only do it at my own time. After finishing those cross-stitch my heart felt so happy.

Get Together Lunch

Sunday, 31st August 2008 four of my close friends including myself gathered at Queensbay Mall We celebrated our friend’s Kar Wei 33rd birthday and a farewell lunch to Annah who is moving away to Kuala Lumpur with her family.

Queensbay Mall is a new shopping mall and it is situated near Pulau Jerjak There are a lot of shops which most of the things selling there and the food in restaurant are quiet expensive. Because this shopping mall is very long and for a wheelchair user like me with weak arms, I hardly can wheel my chair from one end to another without a helper pushing me.

Since Annah and I stayed quiet far from Queensbay Mall more than 30mins drive away our parents would not want to take us there, as it is too far for them to drop us. So we called for a van– Mobility Assistance Penang (MAP) which have lift for wheelchairs users.

Because we are using the van service, I drove my nearly power wheelchair there which was given to me by close friend of my family few months ago. It is easier for me to move around without anyone pushing me. Most of the time my friends and I use the van service on Sunday.

When we arrived there around 12.30pm, our other friends’ haven not arrived yet, so Annah and I wheeled around the ground floor while waiting for our friends. We met Kar Wei at a nearby shop as he was waiting for us. Around 15mins later, Yin Tsang and Chin Chin arrived together with Yin Tsang maid.

Because of Merdeka Holiday, there were a lot of people in the shopping mall and it was quiet hard for us to find a place to have lunch. Since all of us were already hungry we decided to go for Pizza Hut because it is a fast food, but when we arrived outside Pizza Hut, the place was full of people. So we make our way to another place, then Annah suggested that we go to Taiwan Bull Restaurant (which I have never been before) but my friends who went there once said the food was quite good. When we arrived outside the restaurant it was the whole place was full with people but luckily there were few empty sits, so a waiter leads us to our sits.

Despite the narrow passage, we managed to get into our sit. Kar Wei and Yin Tsang could slowly transfer themselves to the chair with some help from Yin Tsang maid.

It took us a while to choose the food each of us wants. Because it was my first time there, I didn’t know what food is good so I have to slowly choose it from the menu.

I choose two dishes which was Taiwan Shrimp Cake and Mushroom Kushiyaki and a Cappuccino drink which I saw in the menu was the cheapest among all other food. Since I am a small eater, I choose some light dishes. Though both of the dishes look delicious but to my disappointment it didn’t taste good after all.

Anyhow we enjoyed each other company, we talked and laughed and I had a nice feeling. I always have a good time when I am with this group of friends.

After lunch we went around to see some of the shops but the people were like ants crawling around here and there. It gives me a headache when I am at this shopping mall because there so many people and I am not sure where I am heading and I could not buy most of the thing there are over my budget.

Our van came to fetch annah and I around 5.30pm. I went home really happy because I got to meet my friends and having a nice time with them.

Missing a good friend

It quiet a sad day as today my good friend Annah has move to Kuala Lumpur with her family. I didn't call to say goodbye as it will make me more sad. I treat her as if she is my my younger sister.

These past few years, she has been my shopping companion when we go to Gurney Plaza as we go there mostly every Sunday. Now I'm alone without a companion when I go shopping or watch movies unless I invite my other disabled friends to join me.

Hope you will be comfortable in your new home with your family and hope u will be able to find a new job soon.

Annah, I miss you... Hope to see you back in Penang in 2 months time.

Free now !!!!

It has been 2 weeks since I left Eden Handicap Service Centre and I feel the peace that fill my heart. Never hadI felt like this since working there. Everyday I felt people keep pressing me down and make as if I don't exist. This feeling is like a small bird in a cage, that waiting to get out! But I couldn't say anytihng because I'm just a "small" person with no voice.

I feel I'm really free now, despite I'm at home starting to make cross-stitch (which I think to sell) whichI've stop for few years since I started working. Despite it's quiet hard to do it, but when the beautiful pattern come out, it make me very happy and satisfy with the work I've done. I did many pattern small and big before, so I'm continue the pattern which I've stop.

Two more weeks

23rd August is my last working day at Eden Handicap Service Centre. Though, I have been working there for more than 3 years, I have no regards leaving that place because I realised not long ago I don't belong to this centre. I didn't inprove myself at all within this 3 years. I dare not bring myself forward to speak up or to do more things to show my improvement. It make me really sad because my best isn't good enough.

I will move on to where God will lead me. I have prayed that God to open a door for me where the work will interest me and it will be suitable for me. I know my God will not abandon me as I'm His child and I know He loves me.

Loneliness

I feel as if I lost all of my confidence since this 7 months. I just knew I'm not the Anne before that full of life. Now i feel so low esteem and can't express what I want to say or tell others. I really feel so down and don't to talk to anyone in my centre. I'm so frustrated everyday that I do very badly in my work. I can't seem to improved myself. The most terrible feeling I face everyday is feeling very lonely.
It has been quiet sometime since I had such feeling of loneliness. I feel really terrible. What I did everyday is keep silence. I never look forward to go to work. My heart is so heavy like dragging myself to a place where I hate to go. Only God knows how I feel!

A beautiful gaun

This afternoon while wheeling myself along a row of shops in Gurney Plaza in the 1st floor, I saw a shop selling very beautiful white gauns. It is my dream gaun which I love to wear on my wedding day. It may sound crazy, but it is really my dream gaun. A dream is just a dream.
Whether my dream may come true or not, it is God who arrange my future.

A great disappointment

Early this morning I received a really disappointed news (sms) from my Boccia teacher. Our trip to Singapore for Boccia game has been canceled. My heart felt apart after getting the news. I have been training twice a week for the past 1 and 1/2 months together with another friend who won a gold medal for the catagory BC3 in the paralimpic. Both of us are supposed to represent Penang for Singapore Boccia Game. We are suppose to join Kuala Lumpur and Johor team to go to Singapore.
I was really looking forward for this trip but I know it would be very difficult for me to travel. Because all of us will be travelling by train and I have never travel by train before.

Playing Boccia is my interest and it is a great opportunity to enter into the international but I lost this chance again. This is the 2nd time I was choosen to play, but due to lack of helpers, I didn't get the chance to enter. The last Boccia International game was held in Kuala Lumpur in 2006.

Anyhow, if I have the chance I also can't go as last minute because my mum suddenly have very high blood pressure. She is supposed to be my helper in Singapore, due to her sickness she can't go. My maid also is not allowed to follow me as she need to do the house work.

This is God's will and I have to accept it. He knows what is best for me and I can't go against Him.

An empty heart

Half of 2008 has passed and I still feel emotionally down. I feel as if I'm treated with no respect and very lowly. I feel very frustrated pratically everyday and many times I feel very much like crying my whole heart out, but it is never easy for me to cry.

What is making me feel this way? I, myself is still searching for that answer. I have a good family, an understading boyfriend and my group of friends yet my heart is still feeling empty like something is missing. Where is the happiness which I have before?

I feel like running away as far as I can. I'm not running away from my problem but away from the people here. I can't see to have the happy feeling like my colleagues who are so happy everyday.
There are so many things I dream of, yet I haven't achieved it. So I'm not satisfied with life. I know I won't be to get everything I dreamed of, but until now I have achieved at lease 40% of it. I know that is good enough, yet I still feel so sad and empty.
At this moment sitting infront of my pc, I really feel like crying.

Emotional Breakdown

This 6 months, I'm feeling emotionally very down due to my work place. I feel very disappointed, frustrated and sad on how they treat me. Practically, most of them are disabled and yet I feel that they treat me very low. Since the day I started working in there, I didn't improve much in my work.

If there are more work for us to do, I dare not bring myself to take new the challeges because I'm afraid I cannot do it. So I pulled back and keep silence.

It makes me feel so frustrated that when I try my best, it isn't good enough. In the afternoon I always feel terribly sleepy due to my medication. So it makes me harder to work and also it slow down everything I do. Nobody can feel what is the feeling I'm going thru now.

Even though few people had encouraged me with positive words, yet I have difficulty seeing the bright side of life. I hope and pray God will touch my heart to be a happier person again. And to see life more positively.

Words of encouragement are so easily said, but making it real is so difficult. I know the choices is up to me - to be happy or sad!

Paralimpid Sport 3-9 May 2008

From 2nd - 7th May, 6 disabled friends and I together with our helpers and few teachers from Spastic Centre went down to Kuala Lumpur in 2 van for Paralimpid sports for 5 days.

The game I'm playing is called Boccia (indoor lawn ball). This game is specially for Cerebal Palsy who are on wheelchairs and can control their hands and their brain are alert.

Before I went for this sport I prayed to get a gold and I trained very hard for it. I played with 2 opponents from Perak and Johor which is BC4 (my catogary). I played my best and beat my 2 opponents and won a gold.

Those 5 days was very intersting but very tiring as all have to wake up at 4am to queue up to the toilet. I'm much happier this time as we have our own room so there were no disturbance of others. All the athletes stayed at University Putra Malaysia (UPM). We have to get on 6am bus to Studium Juara. The journey from UPM to our stadium took around 1/2 hour.

Our game started at 9am. We arrived earlier to warm up ourselves and get used with the court.

Overall Selangor won the most gold for single and team game. I'm happy upon winning a gold medal. I will try my best to play better in future.

A month of training

This few weeks, I don't have the mood to write anything. After work everyday, I feel so exahaused and have no mood for anything.

Three times a week in this month, I have to training for Boccia (indoor lawn ball) for the coming
Paralympid early next month. I'm out of energy when I come home. So at night my brain is blank to write. As much as I like to write my experince during my camp in Cameron Highlands, I just couldnt write.

I believe the weather have an effect on my tiredness. I can say my body is very weak and feeling tired easily.

Please accept my apologies whoever is read my blog for not sharing about my camp.

I can 1 thing, I had a great time in Cameron Highlands I knew quite a number of people and the feeling of other people helping me for 3 day. It was a great experience.

Another month has passed

Days fly so fast and today March has passed. I feel much happier this month as middle of this month I attended a 3 days and 2 nights disabled camp in Cameron Highlands (my 1st time there) organised by Bethany Home.

It gives me a break from work and a time to enjoy myself. I never had good feeling for quiet a while. I also meet many good people who was willing help disabled people. When I'm free, I will try share my exprience with you all.

I thank God everything went well whole of this month. I also thank God that I could go out every weekends to meet my friend. Sorry I didn't share anything much for this month.

I hope and pray that April will be a better month for me.

P/s: I've started my Boccia training for May Paralimpic.

Better days to come

It is the end of February again. The weekend of Chinese New Year had been an exciting weekend for me as I went to Han Chai with Pin and his friends. This is the first time I entered Thai border. Though I was quiet tired during that weekend, but at the same time I really enjoyed myself.

I was very happy that Chinese New Year is over, but at the same time I was quiet disappointed
that I couldn't attend any Chinese New Year functions' that my centre went due to transportation problem. So I stayed at home most of the time.

My feeeling in this month wasn't that stable either. I still feel empty, lonely and mostly disappointed with myself that until now I can't see much of improvement in my work.
I tried my best yet it isn't good enough.

Anyhow, whatever happen, life still goes on!!!

Happy Chinese New Year!!!

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year, many people may look forward for the New Year. But for me it's nothing special, only that relatives and friends will come to our house for visiting. We may go visiting to our grandaunt's house if none of relatives come, but plan can change. Everything is the same only that I received Ang Pows'.

As years goes by, things are different. None of the excitment is there within me anymore. No more nice pretty clothers, no nice jewellery. All that interest are gone. This year I just go casual.

I like to wish everyone who read my blog "A very blessed Chinese New Year" Hope everything will go out well with the year of the rat.

Gong Xi Fa Chai!

Emotionally down

Today is the end of January. This month isn't really good month for me as I'm emotionally down. Everyday I'm fighting with myself to think positive yet all the negetive things keep entering my mind. I feel so moodly everyday since starting of this year. Sometimes, slight comment from others can stiff up my anger. I'm trying to search what is wrong within in myself yet I cannot find out.

Many times my mind go back to the past and that can make me really unhappy. I try not to think about it yet it dawn on me practically everyday. When is God taking me home? This is the question I asked myself very often. My heart doesn't feel like "going home" yet, but I'm very tired of my life. I know I'm not mature enough to handle my problem. I don't know who to ask for help. I need to talk with someone.

I hope next month will be a better month for me - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

One fine afternoon

Last Sunday was the day I looked forward for since the past 3 weeks ago. It was the day I got to meet Ah Pin... I always treasured our time together because we hardly meet due to his work load. Though we spent only half a day, it was a pressures and memoriable time for me.

When he came on Sunday, he bought a hamper for my family as Chinese New Year gift. I was quiet surprised and touched because he doesn't know how to buy things for a girl.

I was very happy when the time we are together... It's special feeling which it's inside my heart...

Ants crawling on the road......

Two days ago was Thaipusam and it was a publi holiday. Since our centre is close on that day mum, Julie, my grandaunt, my maid and I went for a walk outside to see the Kawadis'. There were lots of Indian people and many stalls along the road selling foods, drinks etc... etc...

Mum, Julie and my grandaunt went out to buy some food, while I took my maid (Wati) to see the Kawadis' as she never seen an occasion like this before. We followed the Indians' walking and saw few Indians' and Chinese carrying Kawadis'. We were able to take some photo shot of the 1 elderly man carrying Kawadi. The people were like ants' crawling on the the road and the music were blaring away. We went near the temple and saw many Indians' people selling all sort of things. Within an hour, we went home.

Dinner at Hai Nan Town

On Monday evening, my parents, Julie and I were invited to a dinner at Hai Nan Town Restaurant. It's a newly opened restarant which is situated near the ferry terminal. It's a really nice restaurant as it is facing the sea. The owner didn't only invite Eden Handicap Service Centre, but 2 other disabled centre too.

It was a buffer dinner. Lots of of food served to us. There were some entertainment etc.. malay and indian children dancing. Our table was quiet far from the stage we couldn't see much of the performance. After a full stomach, there was a presentation of gifts to all the children. While presenting gifts to all the children, some of us went to the waterfront. I was enjoying the breeze of the sea when Julie had stomach ache so we left the party.

I was really disappointed when I knew from my colleagues there were Ang Pow and goodies given to everyone. I regreted I went back so early. It was a RM10 Ang Pow.... My hati was so sakit!!!!