Emotional Breakdown

This 6 months, I'm feeling emotionally very down due to my work place. I feel very disappointed, frustrated and sad on how they treat me. Practically, most of them are disabled and yet I feel that they treat me very low. Since the day I started working in there, I didn't improve much in my work.

If there are more work for us to do, I dare not bring myself to take new the challeges because I'm afraid I cannot do it. So I pulled back and keep silence.

It makes me feel so frustrated that when I try my best, it isn't good enough. In the afternoon I always feel terribly sleepy due to my medication. So it makes me harder to work and also it slow down everything I do. Nobody can feel what is the feeling I'm going thru now.

Even though few people had encouraged me with positive words, yet I have difficulty seeing the bright side of life. I hope and pray God will touch my heart to be a happier person again. And to see life more positively.

Words of encouragement are so easily said, but making it real is so difficult. I know the choices is up to me - to be happy or sad!

Paralimpid Sport 3-9 May 2008

From 2nd - 7th May, 6 disabled friends and I together with our helpers and few teachers from Spastic Centre went down to Kuala Lumpur in 2 van for Paralimpid sports for 5 days.

The game I'm playing is called Boccia (indoor lawn ball). This game is specially for Cerebal Palsy who are on wheelchairs and can control their hands and their brain are alert.

Before I went for this sport I prayed to get a gold and I trained very hard for it. I played with 2 opponents from Perak and Johor which is BC4 (my catogary). I played my best and beat my 2 opponents and won a gold.

Those 5 days was very intersting but very tiring as all have to wake up at 4am to queue up to the toilet. I'm much happier this time as we have our own room so there were no disturbance of others. All the athletes stayed at University Putra Malaysia (UPM). We have to get on 6am bus to Studium Juara. The journey from UPM to our stadium took around 1/2 hour.

Our game started at 9am. We arrived earlier to warm up ourselves and get used with the court.

Overall Selangor won the most gold for single and team game. I'm happy upon winning a gold medal. I will try my best to play better in future.

A month of training

This few weeks, I don't have the mood to write anything. After work everyday, I feel so exahaused and have no mood for anything.

Three times a week in this month, I have to training for Boccia (indoor lawn ball) for the coming
Paralympid early next month. I'm out of energy when I come home. So at night my brain is blank to write. As much as I like to write my experince during my camp in Cameron Highlands, I just couldnt write.

I believe the weather have an effect on my tiredness. I can say my body is very weak and feeling tired easily.

Please accept my apologies whoever is read my blog for not sharing about my camp.

I can 1 thing, I had a great time in Cameron Highlands I knew quite a number of people and the feeling of other people helping me for 3 day. It was a great experience.

Another month has passed

Days fly so fast and today March has passed. I feel much happier this month as middle of this month I attended a 3 days and 2 nights disabled camp in Cameron Highlands (my 1st time there) organised by Bethany Home.

It gives me a break from work and a time to enjoy myself. I never had good feeling for quiet a while. I also meet many good people who was willing help disabled people. When I'm free, I will try share my exprience with you all.

I thank God everything went well whole of this month. I also thank God that I could go out every weekends to meet my friend. Sorry I didn't share anything much for this month.

I hope and pray that April will be a better month for me.

P/s: I've started my Boccia training for May Paralimpic.

Better days to come

It is the end of February again. The weekend of Chinese New Year had been an exciting weekend for me as I went to Han Chai with Pin and his friends. This is the first time I entered Thai border. Though I was quiet tired during that weekend, but at the same time I really enjoyed myself.

I was very happy that Chinese New Year is over, but at the same time I was quiet disappointed
that I couldn't attend any Chinese New Year functions' that my centre went due to transportation problem. So I stayed at home most of the time.

My feeeling in this month wasn't that stable either. I still feel empty, lonely and mostly disappointed with myself that until now I can't see much of improvement in my work.
I tried my best yet it isn't good enough.

Anyhow, whatever happen, life still goes on!!!

Happy Chinese New Year!!!

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year, many people may look forward for the New Year. But for me it's nothing special, only that relatives and friends will come to our house for visiting. We may go visiting to our grandaunt's house if none of relatives come, but plan can change. Everything is the same only that I received Ang Pows'.

As years goes by, things are different. None of the excitment is there within me anymore. No more nice pretty clothers, no nice jewellery. All that interest are gone. This year I just go casual.

I like to wish everyone who read my blog "A very blessed Chinese New Year" Hope everything will go out well with the year of the rat.

Gong Xi Fa Chai!

Emotionally down

Today is the end of January. This month isn't really good month for me as I'm emotionally down. Everyday I'm fighting with myself to think positive yet all the negetive things keep entering my mind. I feel so moodly everyday since starting of this year. Sometimes, slight comment from others can stiff up my anger. I'm trying to search what is wrong within in myself yet I cannot find out.

Many times my mind go back to the past and that can make me really unhappy. I try not to think about it yet it dawn on me practically everyday. When is God taking me home? This is the question I asked myself very often. My heart doesn't feel like "going home" yet, but I'm very tired of my life. I know I'm not mature enough to handle my problem. I don't know who to ask for help. I need to talk with someone.

I hope next month will be a better month for me - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

One fine afternoon

Last Sunday was the day I looked forward for since the past 3 weeks ago. It was the day I got to meet Ah Pin... I always treasured our time together because we hardly meet due to his work load. Though we spent only half a day, it was a pressures and memoriable time for me.

When he came on Sunday, he bought a hamper for my family as Chinese New Year gift. I was quiet surprised and touched because he doesn't know how to buy things for a girl.

I was very happy when the time we are together... It's special feeling which it's inside my heart...

Ants crawling on the road......

Two days ago was Thaipusam and it was a publi holiday. Since our centre is close on that day mum, Julie, my grandaunt, my maid and I went for a walk outside to see the Kawadis'. There were lots of Indian people and many stalls along the road selling foods, drinks etc... etc...

Mum, Julie and my grandaunt went out to buy some food, while I took my maid (Wati) to see the Kawadis' as she never seen an occasion like this before. We followed the Indians' walking and saw few Indians' and Chinese carrying Kawadis'. We were able to take some photo shot of the 1 elderly man carrying Kawadi. The people were like ants' crawling on the the road and the music were blaring away. We went near the temple and saw many Indians' people selling all sort of things. Within an hour, we went home.

Dinner at Hai Nan Town

On Monday evening, my parents, Julie and I were invited to a dinner at Hai Nan Town Restaurant. It's a newly opened restarant which is situated near the ferry terminal. It's a really nice restaurant as it is facing the sea. The owner didn't only invite Eden Handicap Service Centre, but 2 other disabled centre too.

It was a buffer dinner. Lots of of food served to us. There were some entertainment etc.. malay and indian children dancing. Our table was quiet far from the stage we couldn't see much of the performance. After a full stomach, there was a presentation of gifts to all the children. While presenting gifts to all the children, some of us went to the waterfront. I was enjoying the breeze of the sea when Julie had stomach ache so we left the party.

I was really disappointed when I knew from my colleagues there were Ang Pow and goodies given to everyone. I regreted I went back so early. It was a RM10 Ang Pow.... My hati was so sakit!!!!

A afternoon at Gurney Plaza

Last Sunday, Annah and I went to Gurney Plaza for Chinese New Year shopping. I met her at Elle Shop. She bought a very nice pink bare back dress.

Then we went for lunch at Kim Gary Restaurant at the 3rd floor. It's our regular place where we have lunch. Dispite we are their regular customer, we had to queue to take our sit as there were many people. After ordering our food, we talked about many things. Since we had our free time, we took our time to enjoyed the food.

After paying the bill, we went down to the Ground Floor, we went our seperate ways, Annah went to Giordano while I went to check out Valentino shop because earlier I saw there were 70% discount for some T-shirts. Since the price was quite reasonable, I bought a dark blue T-shirt for Ah Pin. I hope he can wear and like it. Later I went back to Giordano shop to find Annah. She was slightly disappointed as she couldn't find the jeans she wants. Since we still have to time we sat outside the shop and talk.

I went Mac Donald to buy some food while waiting for mum to fetch me back. It was a nice and cooling afternoon at Gurney Plaza since it was a hot day.

A day in Jabil

Last Friday my colleague and I went to Jabil factory to sell Handicraft. The gave us 2 days to sell our things. Earlier 1 day, my 2 other other colleagues went to sell in another branch of the same company.

Few days earlier, when I was asked to sell these handicraft in the factory. The first thing I feared was my toileting problem, as I know most factories don't have disabled toilet. That few days I prayed really hard to God to send people to help me with my toileting. So I went with couraged and the rest I depend on God to help me.

The first thing we went was to the factory's cafeteria (where we sell our things). I was amazed that cafeteria was so big with six computers behind where our things were place. After arranging our things, the factory workers slowly came in. Just a flick of a second, the cafeteria were full of people (most of the workers were young malay ladies). The workers came in and out of the cafeteria none stop. Many of them were impressed with our handicraft and bought our things.

When I wanted to go the toilet, I asked Ah Beng, my colleague to ask people if there's any disabled toilet. Praise God there was a disabled toilet just outside the cafeteria. I could handle myself alone with anyone's help. The disable toilet was very big with ralling at the side. I knew God was helping me all while when I was in the toilet.

When lunchtime came, we bought our food at the cafeteria. I was surpised the food cater for was very cheap. Many dishes were served on the table, we could take any dishes we like and we were given free drinks.

The most important thing was we gain quiet a lot from our sales. I was really happy and relief after that day was over. God was with me throughout that day and He helped me.

A Hot Sunday Afternoon

Today is very hot day. Since none of my friends ask me ask anywhere, I obediently stayed at home. Though I don't usually be at home this time of the hour, I feel slightly funny as I'm always out on Sunday afternoon.

So I'm in front of my computer writing my story and doing other things as well. When come to think of it. If I go out more often I will surely spend my money. So be a good girl and rest at home for one Sunday.

What is Life !

There are few dinners which will be held in my Centre this month, but I completely don't have the heart to attend. The feeling of mixing around with the staff is just not there. The mood is just completely gone.

I don't know why I'm feeling so emotionally down since beginning of this year. My heart feel so empty and heavy that I don't feel like mixing with anyone. I can feel very lonely and depress. I really don't know what to to do. Someone please advice me! I need help.

Happy Birthday My Dear Friend

This afternoon we had a small gathering to celebrate Yeap's birthday. We had lunch at BBQ Chicken Restaurant in Gurney Plaza. Even though, it was a hot day yet we enjoyed the company of each other and also the food.

Annah, Y.Tsang and I shared a family plate of chicken, potatos and salad. The food was quite nice. The rest ordered their own food. This was my first time at this restaurant.

After lunch, we went our seprate ways. Yeap and Ah San went for a movie, Annah, Kar Wei. Y. Tsang and I hanged around the 3rd floor. I went to buy some things while the others checked out handphones.

It was really a nice gathering as we seldom meet so our birthdays is a get together for us all.

Yeap, Happy Birthday. Hope you will be happy on your special day!

One of those days

Since I started my work again after the New Year, I felt very sad, lonely and depressed. I feel life is so meaningless and I don't feel like going on living. I really want someone to hug me and I can cry my heart out. Why do I feel this way suddenly?

When I want to share my problems there is no one there for me, so I keep all things in my heart.

I feel really frustrated and low-self esterm. Many times I hated myself as I don't know how to handle my problem. I'm too dependen on myself without relying on God's to help me. I'm just too sad and my brain is too close on the negetive things. I can't seem to be able to think positive.

I'm trying my best to see things more positively.

Happy 2008 !!!!

Happy New Year 2008! It was a really happy day for me as I spent the whole day with Ah Pin. He picked me up around 12pm then we went for a movie (Alien vs Preditor 2). It was a thrilling movie. I kept jumping up as certain parts of movie as it was quite scary, he hug me tightly. It was a good and exiciting movie.

After the show, we went for lunch. We went for Korean Seafood Mee. We ordered 1 bowl and 2 of us shared. The food wasn't very nice. Later, we went to a quiet place to talked. The time we spent together is very precious to me as I don't get to see him often because of his work time.

We went to Teluk Bahang beach, there were not many people. It was very windy and we could hear the ocean and it was really peaceful. Both of us rested in the car while he took a short nap. When he woke up, we talked about our problems and things that were in our heart. I didn't want the time move, so that we could have more time together. Anyhow time have to go on. So we left the place for dinner.

We went to Face Steak Restaurant for dinner. This is our 4th time there as, it's our favour place. It was quiet and romantic with small lights hanging on the ceiling. There were also candles on each tables. We choose the table by the corner. We had Lamp Chop 1 plate (2 of us shared). There were 2 chinese guy singing chinese songs on stage.

It was a beautiful time for me when I'm with him. I'm sad when he had to drop me home as I don't know when we will meet again. The feeling was simply wonderful that no one can feel it

Simple gathering

On Sunday, 11th Nov, we had a simple gathering to celebrate Annah's birthday at Gurney Plaza. Since our group haven't met for the past 2 months, it was nice to see everyone again. There were altogether 8 of us and had lunch at Breek Cafe.

It was the nearest restaurant for us to go to. When we were at the place, we conbined 3 tables together. I notice we were the only group of people at the restaurant. Since it was open air, we enjoyed the breeze and each others company while waiting for the food to be served.

We really enjoyed our lunch. After lunch, few of us went their own way to do their shopping. But most of us went together for window shopping.

After our window shopping and few of them already gone back, I treated Annah at Starbuck because I didn't buy anything for her and we had a nice time together.

I believe Annah was really happy on that day. It was nice get together.

"Happy Birthday Annah!"

Independent Living

What is Independent Living for a severe disabled?

It is not that you can do everything by our own then we consider Independent Living. Many things I may not able to, do, people may think i'm not Independent. The main thing for Independent Living is making our own choice and decision. What we desire, wish and hope to do, we must go for it.

It may be very difficult, but we must fight for our Independence. Many people may discouraged us because we always dependent on others, They don't know the real meaning to "Independent Living"

Life is always tough, but never give up.

My cute rabbit

You cannot imagine this cute animal is my favourite pet.

I've been wanting a rabbit as my pet since years ago, but I will never get to rear it because of my condition. It's hard for me to take care of animals unless someone help me. My mum also don't like animals in the house. When I see rabbits in my relatives house I will be happy.
Our neighbour has a cute white rabbit, sometimes when they will bring it out to the front garden for some fresh air. I will get the chance to see and admire it.