Learn to let go

U don't always need a plan
Sometimes U just nee to breathe, trust, let go
and see what happens

Dear God, please help me

Down Memory Lane

Sometimes a short walk
down memory lane
Is all it take to appreciate
Where U are today

Heart is drowning

Dear Baby!!!

I have a lot of things kept in my heart, but I don't know to put into words...
I want to see the bright side of the days, but it's so hard...
I try to think positive ,but it turned out to be negetive...
My heart try to be happy, but I'm unable to smile..

I don't know weather I'm happy or sad.....

It's very difficult form me....

Dear God.... Save me from drowning!!!!

Happy 2019

Hi baby, sorry I didn't update until today the last day of 2018...

I have gone thru all the good and bad times this year... I know I had done my best. Thank you dear God for the great help to me and my family throughout this year. I will not write long for this time..

Below are all my pics taken in December 2018

                            8 Dec 18'

Attended Janice's good friend daughter's wedding.

                 
                                                                                     9 Dec 18'

                                                                Went to Botanical Garden. It was a                                                                          sunny morning.

10 Dec 18'

My birthday lunch at KFC Komtar.. Yummy!! Yummy!!

We went shopping too Pringin Mall and 1st Avenue

      

                20 Dec 18'

Santa Clause came to town!!! Had Christmas caroling from BEC 11 group together with our neighbours

23 Dec 18'

Me and my good friend Annah at Gurney Plaza

                                                                               24 Dec 18'

                                              Christmas time is here...And with our many gifts

Thank God for 2018 for my family and with our struggles, God still keep us together -strong and healthy...

Goodbye 2018.............

Daily Chores

Now is 9.15pm

Today, the whole was a busy day for my family. It was tough, difficult for us specially in the morning.
because Julie and myself wake up almost the same time. We need to do our daily toileting/bathing chorus.

I'm able to do half the daily toileting chorus and our maid will help me with bathing. Julie is completely relying on mum and our maid for eating, toileting, batheing etc.. The difficulty part is bathing for her and sitting her up onto the buggy chair.. And other chores too.

And prepare cooking for lunch. Julie comes to my room and listen  to music and chit chat with me, while I do my computer work.

In our difficult time, God is there to help us.



Ended at 9.45pm

Blank mind

My baby, I'm in my blog page, starring at this blank white page and my mind is totally blank on what I want write.

I have not been in this page for the past 3 week, but I kept thinking of my blog. I told myself, I want to keep writing and writing. At last I couldn't manage to do so..

Even though, I'm writing now, I'm thinking what to write.

I have been going to physio/occupation therapy and my regular check ups' in GH and try not to think of negative things. To be active throughout the day and do my best everyday.

Everyday, life is tough, but I have fight for it. Though many times/days feel like giving, but my inner self says "don't give up". That's why I stay strong.

Writen in end of Oct 18'

Trying to think positive

I'm trying my very best to think positive.
I'm trying my best to take things easy and not hard on myself
I'm trying my best not to think bad /hurtful thing in my past
I'm trying my best not to think of negative things
I try to talk/think positively
I try to sing more

Avoid negative thoughts
Avoid thinking of the past (people who hurt me)
Avoid mixing around with friends' who gossip .

Dear God , please help me able to do the above things!!!

My life on earth

Dear Good God

I give you all posts in my blog...All the things happening in my life, please do help me....

My thinking, feeling and emotion is going down and down each day..Till today I don't know what to do when I'm in front of my computer. 

I feel so restless everyday. "What am I doing on earth", I'm thinking about it everyday. I know I'm taking care of my family medication, other than that I do not know what my life is about.

You always say "There's a purpose for everyone on earth", I can't see what I'm doing here.. 

Dear God, please help me to know the PLAN you have for me. Also fill your LOVE for me in my heart as I'm feeling very empty inside 

Thank you GOD for listening to me! 

The Changed

I have changed so much from a happy person with many close friends' into a lonely person who stays at home everyday. A person who enjoyed going out to shopping malls and to many other place into a person who have mood to go anywhere. Though my heart desire to go out to as many places I want, but I don't anyone to bring me out and I don't have mood to enjoy things outside

Even when I go out with family or outstation with friends, the happiness within me is only a short time. Then the empty feelings and sadness will come back within me again. I don know why, but I don't have the happiness within me. I hardly smile these recent years.

Though my photos showed my happy smiling face, but the fact is I was/am not happy at all.

Good mood, please come back!!!

I have many things I wanted to write. I completely have no mood and my mind is blank on what to write. In my heart, I wanted to say a lot of things. But like I said I have no mood to write.

Other than that, I have no mood, I was occupied with doing other things. Other than that, I went to GH for check-ups. The thing I hated most is - I feel so so tired and sleepy the everday due to my medicine. I wished I don't have to take any medicine. But the fact, I HAVE to.....

I so glad that I keep my blog alive till today.. Because I loved writing

Terrible mood

I feel so terrible and low mood since the last few days. Specially today, I so terribly no good - feel tired, sleepy, low mood and lifeless since this morning till night. More tired and sleepy then my usual days taking spasms medicine.

I don't understand what is wrong with me.  Is it the depression medicine I cut off? The medicine the doctor gave medicine and it didn't suit me. It made my body not well, so I stopped taking it.

Sorry baby, I'm only writing a short note for this post..I'm feeling very tired and no mood today. 

Specially For My Darling Sister

On Sunday, we celebrated Julie's birthday. She has been looking forward for her birthday since one month ago.  We went To Gurney Plaza Mall to celebrated her birthday. She loved to go outing, but sadly it's hard to bring her out. She has to be carried into the car. So she accept it to stay at home unless we have family birthday or special occasion. Then we bring her outing.

Since it was Sunday, there were a lot of people went shopping. Ir was difficult to find a parking lot, but thank God a car got out and we had a parking space.

We straight went up to 4th floor to D.I.Y. shop (a shop which sell all cheap things). We checked out we wanted to buy, but it doesn't have. We went for lunch at Chopper Board Restaurant which was only opposite D.I.Y. shop.

                                             Happy Birthday, my dear loving sister

We had western food and all of us enjoyed our meal. There were many foreign workers work there as waiters' and waitress. When our food arrived, we enjoyed our meal.  I saw few families eating in that restaurant too. After lunch, we adjourned to other floors for shopping. All of us had a great time.

It was an enjoyable family outing. All of us enjoyed our lunch and shopping.

                                                         
                                                        

                                              Coffee Cheese Cake for birthday girl
                                                           

I bought a cake for Julie (coffee and cheese cake). When we came home, we say birthday song. cut the cake and enjoyed the cake. 

I thank God for Julie's life till today! It's wonderful to see her talk and laugh everyday and to see there's so much life in her....Though of she had gone though a lot of suffering the past years and throughout her whole life. Our family love and care for her keep her life going. And God is the One who give Julie life.

If wishes come true

Dear God, I have many dreams and wishes in my entire life. Some came true, some did not. I thank you for the dreams/wishes which had come true.

Dear God, I present my all dreams/wishes to you :

1.  I wished I could study to higher school, but I thank you God that I went to Spastic Centre (disabled school) to get some knowledge and therapy.

2.  I wished I could walk, but because of my weak body/limbs and spasms. (will never come true)

3. I wishwd I can work outside and earn more income. I have worked in few NGOs', but what I got was I got insulted and looked down by my colleagues and people due to my medication and weakness. I will never want to look for outside jobs anymore, but accept my condition that I will never able to work outside. But thank God for giving me knowledge on computer/internet. To earn some income at home by learning to do online sales.

4.  I wished to have a boyfriend. Thank you God for giving a guy who love, care and understanding and accept my condition.

5.   I wished to get married and wear my dream wedding gaun, but that will NEVER come true.

6.  I wished to have a child of my own. That will NEVER EVER come true due to my medication. Adopting a child also will NEVER come true.

7.  I wished t have o a small apartment and that will NEVER come true.

8.  I wished I have a close friend who understand my feelings. We can talk to and share our feelings.

9.  I wished there's someone to bring out/company me wherever I want to go.

10. I wished that I get the chance to travel to overseas and see the world. But I thank God that I had visited Japan and Lourdes (Paris) in early 2000's.

11. I wished I can take care of Julie, but I've my limitation. What I can do, I try my best to care for her.

12. I wished that I can help other disabled.

13.  I wished I don't have depression, but be happy always.

Dear God, this is all my wishes/dreams. My life is in Your Hands'. Whether it come true or not, I will accept it.

                                                  

                                                 Sweet Sensation - If wishes came true
                                           
                                         
                      

Done the best

A week had past by again. As I know, I did my best. I occupied my time with posting up listings for sale and thinking and searching online on how to do do more things. Did Janice company work (in her house) twice last week.

I went to GH twice last week for my regular check-up at Psychiatrist Department and another day Dental Department as my filling came out. Luckily, I called for appointment and the next day I could get my tooth done. Thank God for leading me and Julie to GH Dental as we disabled with special card get free treatment. Thank God also Julie and myself got good, understanding and patient dentist. They understand our condition. 

My spasm also came and go, but it wasn't severe. I took things easy and couldn't do much work. Had to rest me. 

Thank God I did what I could and my best for last week. Another week comes again, how the days will go by, with God's help I will do my best!

Kool & The Gang - Cherish

                                                       

My regular check-up

This morning I went to psychiatrist department for my usual check-up in GH. There were a lot of people of all races with different metal sickness waiting to see the doctors'  We put our card inside the box in front of the counter and waited for our name to be called. After our names were called, we take our number and a small chit to the back and everyone have to test the blood pressure and  weight. Because I'm on the wheelchair, they can only check my pressure. All of us went back to our sit and wait for the doctors to called our name before we go into the doctor's room. This is the usual procedure we have to do.  

I waited for more than 1 hour before my name was called. I hope and prayed that I would get my  regular doctor who saw me twice before. Thank God I got the same doctor again. Sometimes, they would change different doctors to see different patients. I was relief that I got the same doctor again. 

This Malay doctor is kind and gentle person. He asked me how I felt and I told him all my emotion and thinking feelings/problem and I told I felt terrible.  He looked through my file and talked to me. I'm not happy as he asked me to take another type of medication. Now I have to take 2 different type of medicine. Anyway, I have to follow what the doctor's say. He gave me two weeks to try the medicine before he sees' me again.

After seeing the doctor, my maid pushed me down (ground floor) to take medication at the famisi. There were a lot of people waiting to take medication too.

I quite scare to take new medicine as sometimes have side effect or what so ever. I really pray that this medicine suit me and don't give me any side effect.

Marc Anthony - My Baby You

Going thru hard time

Depression turns me this type of person :

1.   I'm very unhappy

2.  I always want to be alone in my room

3.  Feel no mood and have terrible feelings

4.  Have no appetite 

5.  Though I accomplished many things, yet I don't feel happy

6.  Don't feel like mixing/talking to anyone

7.  My heart is empty

8.  Keep thinking of the past and feeling hurt inside me

9.  Though I talk to Julie and make her laugh, I laugh too. But I'm not happy myself

10.   I don't have friends'/closed one to to talk too

11. Many times feel like crying, but cannot cry

There are other feelings' too which are not good. Very difficult to express out.

New Kids On The Block -I'll Be Loving You (Forever)

                                          

The real ME

Outwardly, people will see me as someone who is pretty, soft but a boring person. Because I always looked tired, sleepy (due to my medication) I hardly talk to anyone when I meet. Though, I'm an out-going person, my problem is conversing with people. I have a phobia talking to people/friends I meet, afraid I would say the wrong words that will hurt their feeling. What I do is to keep quiet.

Before our argument (my friends and myself), I could easier talk, but now at times when they called me, I have to think twice before I speak. I don't why I'm so afraid to talk. Not to my friends only, but everyone I meet. When relatives or friends' visit us, I don't talk to them, instead I hide in my room and do my work. That's why I don't have friends'

Inwardly, I'm a strong, brave and courageous person. I never give up in whatever I do. Before my sickness, I used go out on the road on my motorised wheelchair alone on the busy road. I only went to nearby my area like to Genaral Hospital for weekly therapy. It was very trilled for me to go on the road by myself. I also went to Gurney Plaza Mall and few other places. It was a freedom for me.

I faced with few accidents while on the way to my destination. I fell dowon the road, I clashed with a motorcycle, my motorised wheelchair battery were flat while on my way back from shopping. These were the few accidents I faced while on the road. Thank God nothing happen to me. This is a great experience for me.

Due to my sickness which lasted for 2 years, I didn't go out by myself at all. Now, I have phobia of going out by myself as afraid that my spasms will attack me anytime. I hardly go out now, only sometimes go out to shopping mall with my family.

Backstreet Boys - It's True

                                 

Spent time on the beach

It was a great sunny morning, Janice took me to the beach (which I went the 2nd time) in the morning where her in-laws were having picnic/barbecue there. It was a really nice place with big and shady trees'.  When Janice and I arrived, Denis, my brother in-law were doing the barbecue. The rest of their family were all playing cards. 

The beach was really nice as there were no stairs or steps. Cars and motorcycles could straight drive onto the beach. After we arrived, people of all races started came in to the beach. Some were family, others' were couple. A group of young men also came in on their motocycles to enjoy themselves playing balls . I can say people all ages went there to get fresh air and enjoy themselves

I, myself was enjoying the fresh air and played ball with Janice. After finished playing with Janice, we ate barbecue chicken and satay and other food her in-laws cooked.

I especially love to see the ocean and the water flooring. It gives me peace in my heart, sadly I hardly go the beach as no one brings me there.

The ocean is also the creation of GOD!!!

                                                   At the beach

Not a good week

This first week of July, is not a good week for me. I'm unable to do many things due eye sight problem lead my headache and my spasm start attacking me again. It makes my limbs stiff and I unable my daily work and things. I have difficulty in breathing too. I don't feel angry or frustrated now if not it will effect my eyesight or my spasm will get worst. I have take things easy. What I did watch movies on my computer and rest more.

I cannot fight against my sickness, but take it easy. GOD is in charge of my life and I have leave everything HIM - in good and bad times.  I look forward for better weeks ahead.

Months past like the wind

Today is the 1st of July! 6 months of 2018 has passed without realizing. Could imagine time flew so fast. What did I do for the past 6 months? I believe I had done a lot of things, but I couldn't remember what I had done. Funny ya!!! What I knew everyday was morning became night.

I knew I had accomplished in my sales, the past 6 months. What I had done was my best! Certain months were more and certain months were less. I couldn't complain much as this is buying and selling. It's like our life, certain months we are doing good and some months are not.

It goes the same like depression (moods) Some days were good, some days not. I have accept this fact and continue seeing my doctor. 

What I know GOD had helped me through the past 6 months and will continue to lead and guide me on What will to come, I will not know. Only GOD knows!