Weak neck

 Friday, 27 Nov 2020

 

Since I was a teenager my neck was very soft. I was not able to sit up with my head straight. It kept flopping down. As to keep my head up and straight, my class teacher (Cikgu Joe) made a headrest for me. Even with the headrest, my head still falls. Some of my school friends who saw me would push my head up.

I can say I hate the headrest, but what to do as it was to support my head. But thank God, in 1990 after my major spinal surgery in KL God strengthen my neck. I need not had to used it anymore from then on.  I felt really happy at that time.

But now I feel sad my neck is getting weaker again. Last time I could sit the whole day without feeling neck/shoulder having pain. For the past few months when I sit, my neck keeps having muscle pain. I have to put a headboard to rest my head.

My fear now is my neck gets weaker, but I cannot do anything. My life is in God's hand. I can only pray that God will continue to strengthen my neck. 

Take a break

Sunday, 22 Nov 2020

 

I thought this whole month of CMCO I will not able to meet my darling, but to my surprised, on Sunday (22/11) he wants to bring me out. I was happy that he understands I felt very bored at home.

We cannot go to any shopping mall, so the only place he can bring is to his center. When he came (to bring me there), he told me they are cooking steamboat. I was happy in joining them. After arrived at their center, my daring started cutting and prepare the dishes for the steamboat. Teik wasn't there, but later he arrived with his daughters. Teik started to heat up and put the dishes into the steamboat pot. There were around 10 dishes, some dishes they bought and some were given by outsiders.

It was nice and fun having lunch with them. I quietly eat while listen to them chatting. Later Teik son join us. It has been quite some time since I last saw Teik three children together. Everyone was enjoying the steamboat.

Later that afternoon, while chatting, we talked about my wheelchair tire and break which was not working well.  Teik wheelchair tire was better, so he changed my tire with his. He also tightens my wheelchair break. I felt happy as that afternoon he could change for me.

Since there were a lot of steamboats left, my daring prepared the food for me to bring home. After getting ready for everything, he brings me home. I felt happy to be with their company and to be at my darling side.

 

Trap Again At Home

 Monday, 16 November 2020

 

As of last week (9 Nov) CMCO starts again for a month for Semenanjung Malaysia. So I’m stuck at home and cannot go anywhere again. The most terrible thing is I cannot meet my darling for another month.

I canceled my physio appointment for tomorrow (17 Nov) In fact, I can go but I didn’t want to. There are many people in the physio dept and not the same in OT dept. Their room only has a few staff and patients So, I stay at home.

People always say home is where the heart is. But my home is like a prison to me. Even though I have my loving family with me, all the good food to eat, and everything I have in my home. The thing I feel is "loneliness and unhappiness in my heart.

When CMCO people are still able to go out to work and do daily things, But for me, I'm 24 hours at home. Though I occupied my time doing so many things, yet I feel frustrated, lonely, bored, and other feeling too. This is how I feel every day.

Terrible Feelings

 Sunday, 15 November 2020

Since last month, my mind is blank again as I don't know what to write. The whole day I occupied myself arranging my stamps, take the picture and post them online to sell. 

I have many things in my heart I wanted to share, but it's difficult to put them in words. I don't understand why sometimes I can write so fast, sometimes I can't. I wish I can keep on writing as I love to write. I feel frustrated at this moment as I feel I don't have the mood and bored even though I occupy myself with many things. I hate this feeling.

Dear God, please help me. Take away these terrible feelings. 

 

Stamp/First Day Cover Collection

Monday, 9 November 2020

Lately, I took out my boxes of old stamps and first-day cover which I have kept them since years ago. Last time I collected a lot of stamps, washed, and place them into albums. Janice and my dad also used to keep lots of stamp albums and a lot of them were also unwashed stamps and from all over the world. They passed them all on to me.

Since I am unable to go out at this time of CMCO, I occupied my time arranging, wash, and take pictures of my stamps and first-day cover to sell. I'm slowly doing as there are a lot of them.

I'm doing all these things to occupy my day and especially my mind so that I don't keep thinking of negative things.

A Boring Month

 Saturday, 31 Oct 2020

The whole of last month (October) I didn't go to OT, Physio exercises due to CMCO at the State Prison behind GH. Though I wanted to go, Janice discourages me from going as afraid the Covid virus is there.  So, I had to quietly stay at home. I didn't go to my Psychiatrist's follow-up either instead I change the appointment date to mid of December.

I can say, I was at home every day. I went out with my darling only twice last month. On other Sundays' he was busy with other things.

Even though I have daily things to do, yet I felt bored and lonely as I'm in my room day and night. I continue to do one thing after another, yet my feelings are the same. 

Getting More Costly

 Thursday 29 October 2020

 

Since last week, I had a hole in my top front tooth. I dread to go to dental, but I had to. So last week Friday, I made an appointment with Adventist Hosp. dental again.

Two days ago (27/10), around 9.30 am Janice dropped me at the lobby and the staff there pushed me up to the dental dept. There were only a few people there when I arrived.

Within minutes, the nurse came to push me in. Dr. Eric checked my teeth before the nurse helped me down the chair. I thought my front tooth has a small hole, but Dr. Eric told me it was a big hole. He also saw another bottom tooth need filing.

He filled both teeth around 45 minutes. Thank God my spams didn't attack me and I was in good condition. I felt relief when it was finished.

After finish, a passerby nurse pushed me out to the counter. When the staff called me for payment, I was surprised the charges are so costly, I pay the bill with an unhappy feeling.

When Janice came to fetch me, I thank God everything was over that morning. Maybe it will be the last time I go to Adventist (dental) as everytime I went there the charges were getting more costly.

 

 

 

No Inspiration

 Monday, 26 October 2020 

I haven't been updating my story since a week ago. I kept thinking about what to write, but my mind is blank. Sometimes my inspiration comes so fast that I can write within hours or days. Yet some days, I completely not able to write.

The whole of last week I didn't go anywhere. my body also didn't feel good too.  Certain days I felt so down with my spasm. I can feel the nerve inside my body pulling me. My body movement slow down. I have difficulty in pushing my wheelchair, not only that I felt very tired.

Certain days when my spasm attacked me more severe I have to lie on the bed till evening. During that time I felt terrible as my muscle kept pulling and I wasn't able to do anything.

When my body stiff with spasm, it made my mum difficult to transfer me to bed. But she helped me patiently and quietly. I felt quilty and apologies to her, but her only word was "it's ok". What I did was thank her. 

I thank God for giving strength to carry on with my sickness in my life. 

 

My Life Photos

 Saturday, 17 Oct 2020

Lately, I have been changing my photo albums and went through all my photos. From childhood days until today, I have changed so much with God's grace. He gives me life until this very day.

I feel happy to see all my photos of my family outings, my close friends, my activities and outings with friends, my outstation and overseas trips, my boccia sports, and other photos. It’s a good memory of my life.

Even though with my sickness, God has given me life and I have done so much all these years. I thank God for all He has given and done for me.

Thyroid

 

Tuesday, 6 October 2020

On Tuesday (6/10) was my first visit to Endocrine Dept (at ACC Building). In July, my Psychiatrist doctor wrote a referring letter there for my thyroid problem

Two week ago, I took a blood test at Outpatient Dept (001) before I see Edorine doctor.

That morning, Janice dropped mum and I outside ACC Building, mum and I went up to the 1st floor.

I didn't know where it was, but Janice guided me and it was easy to find. When we enter Edorine Dept, there were so many people. All chairs were taken up, luckily a lady saw us and she gave mum her seat. 

The procedure at the department is quite the same as Psychiatrists Dept, but slightly different. We need to place our card in the first counter, later another (counter) the nurse will call us to take our blood pressure and give us a number. What while waiting, I observed the people who were around there.

When my number was called, I wheel inside. When I reach near the doctor's room, a young Chinese doctor came to push me. When I was inside, I was slightly surprised by four doctors' with their patients in the room. I was happy to have a lady doctor who talks patiently with me. She went through my letter and asked me about my history. She went through my blood test paper.

After discussed with her boss, she explained to me about my blood test which I couldn't understand much. She asked me to continue thyroid medication and will see me in another four months. Before my next visit, I have to take a blood test again.

After taking my appointment card and my medicine chit, we went down. I called Janice to bring us back. I didn't take my medicine as there was a queue of people. Janice will take my medication another day.

Thank you, God, for the morning was over and everything went well.

A Hot Afternoon

Sunday, 4 October 2020

On Sunday (4/10) I thought I would be staying at home until my darling called me that night before saying they would be going Balik Pulau.

On that morning, my darling fetched me around 11 am and we went to their center. Our plan chanced as we were not able to go to Balik Pulau as Teik has to repair his motorcycle. 

So I spent my time at their center watching my darling helping Teik with his motor. I thought Teik wouldn’t take that long to repair his motor but he has a problem fixing the parts, so it took a long time until he finished in the afternoon.

We didn’t go anywhere except spend time at their center. It was quite a hot day. Even though I did nothing there and felt very hot, yet I felt happy I was near my darling.

 

Spasm Attacked

 

 Friday, 2 October 2020

 

This week has passed and the weekend is here again.  In the past weeks, my body condition has not been very stable – someday I’m in good condition (I’m able to do my part-time job and daily things). But certain days, I feel terrible as my spasm attack me severely until I had to lie in bed.

It makes me feel frustrated that I’m not able to the things I wanted to do. Even though I want to do things, my movement would be very slow. So, I need to take things easy and relax more. This is something which I dislike because I have been always on the move.    

This is beyond my body control and I cannot do anything except to relax and accept it.

 

 

Increase of Medication

Thursday, 24 Sept 2020

 

 A month has passed since my last follow up and I went again on 24/9 morning.

Janice dropped me and pushed up to Psychiatrist Dept and left me there. She helps me drop my card in the box. There weren't many people on that day.

Around 20mins, the staff at the counter called my name to take blood pressure. I wheeled to the back of the room. There were three to four persons before me. After finishing my pressure test, I went back to the front.

As the front door of the doctor's room was open, I saw my doctor was discussing another doctor. After that, my name was called. A Malay lady doctor (I believe she was the head of doctor as she has her room) saw me. She went through my file and blood test paper. She told me my thyroid can lead to having a low mood. I also told her, I won't be going to the counseling anymore as it was a too-short time and I have other check-ups to go too. She also increases slightly my depression medication. I was in her room for around half-hour.

After I left, I pushed myself down to the lobby but I didn't take my medicine as needed to queue up. I called Janice to fetch me. At that time when I was in the lobby, there were so many cars fetching their family members. All the cars jam up in the lobby, which made Janice slow in fetching me.

At last, I saw her. Thank you, God, for the morning.

 

 

Low Mood

Wednesday, 16 Sept 2020

 

Since the beginning of this month, I don't have the mood to write even though I wanted to express my feelings/thoughts into words. I have many things in mind I say, but I cannot put in writing.

At the same time, my twisted ankle gave me so much terrible pain. The pain made me very weak and I felt very tired the whole day.

Every single day, I felt so terrible. My ankle was swollen and painful, I completely have no mood. What I did were only some minor daily things. 

Even though I have the pain, I still went out to my therapy, check-up, outing as usual. I slowly get into the car.

Life has to go on despite on whatever happens

 

Visit Aunty’s Apartment

Sunday, 25 August 2020

                                       

I went out with my darling to their center and had lunch there. Teik and my darling cooked something different. It was enjoyable to be with them. Even though I sat quietly, but hearing them talking was nice enough. 

After lunch, we invited Teik and her daughter to check out my late aunt's empty apartment on the 1^st floor in Tanjung Tokong. Janice told me we can spend weekends there if my darling and Teik are free. The apartment has two rooms. The main thing was using the main room toilet. My darling tries pushed my wheelchair into the toilet/bathroom, it was quite narrow, but luckily my small wheelchair managed to get in. Other than that, I could manage the whole place.

We spent around 2 hours there chatting, then we went to Tesco (as it was very nearby the apartment. We bought a few things and headed back to their center.  After rested a while, my darling drops me home.

 

 

Twisted Ankle

 Saturday, 5 Sept 2020

 

On Saturday (5/9) supposed to be an ordinary morning as I went to Boccia training to pass a few letters to my coach and see my friends. 

As usual, I booked a Grab car. It was an Indian driver who fetched me. With mum's help, I stand and hold the door of the car to get in. I couldn't balance myself and I fell inside the car seat. While I fell, I twisted my right ankle badly and hit my chin onto the car. The terrible pain on my ankle got onto my whole body that I completely couldn't move. The driver helps me into the car seat.

I thought of not going anymore, but since I needed to pass my letter to my coach I continue going even with the terrible pain.

When I went there, I completely have no mood due to pain. I played a few games with my friends and talked to them. After two hours I went back coach's help getting into another Grab car.

Counseling Seassion

 

Thursday 3 September 2020

 

After I saw my Psychiatrists doctor on 25/8 and got a letter to the Counseling Dept. I went to a new dept. which was in Block D.  Janice drop and pushed up to the 2nd floor and showed me the place. It was a small nurse room with two persons who inquire about things. 

After a while when I was in the nurse room, she pushed me to the Counseling room and asked me to wait. Within five minutes, a Malay lady (counselor) came in and she told me about the procedure asked me the sign the form.

The lady was friendly and a pleasant person. She talked and advised me not to see/think about the negative side of my life, but think about the happy memories which I had. She only gave me half an hour of her time. She is the only person in charge of counseling. There are a lot of other patients' to see her.

After finished, I wheel myself down to the ground and waited for Janice to fetch me.

After I came back, I feel the time was too short as I all the way go yet get half an hour counseling time.

 

.

 

Agony Starts Again

Wednesday, 2 September 2020 

It has been four months since I last went to Adventist Hospital for the treatment of my teeth. Since the past week, my left bottom tooth started having pain again. From then on, the pain becomes more severe that I have to call the dental dept. for an appointment. Luckily they managed to give me on 2/9 morning.

My appointment was at 10 am, when I reached the lobby, I saw the regular Chinese staff and he pushed me up. I was at the dental reception area within a few minutes, the regular nurse came to push me into the room. 

It was quite a tiring task climbing up the chair even with the nurse's help. When Dr. Edric check my teeth and told me that my molar tooth has gone inside the root. He needs an x-ray, so with the nurse's help, I had to get down the chair again.

There was no patient in the x-ray room, so a few minutes of waiting outside, the nurse pushed me in. It was so terrible when the staff put a root inside my mouth for the x-ray. I felt like vomiting. Luckily within minutes, it was over.

After I got back and Dr. saw my x-ray, he gave me a few options about my tooth. Extract my tooth and fix a denture or can do root canal procedures. Because my tooth was in pain, I asked him to extract it. When he gave me an injection, my body was tense up again. I tried my best to relax.

It was difficult and hard to extract my tooth. But, Dr.took sometime to pull it out. At last, the agony was over. Even though the whole procedure was only an hour, but I felt it was longer than that.

Thank you, God, for helping me throughout my tooth extraction.

 

Broken Hearted

 Friday, 21 August 2020   

Boccia has been my favorite sport/game since 2000 when I started playing. I was happy to participate in all tournaments.

On 12 August, my Boccia coach gave me the news that Malaysia Sukan Negara (MSN) they have limited the age to 45 years of age for all athletes. My heart completely broke down and tears drop down on my cheek. It was the saddest news as I'm over age and I'm not able to play in any competition anymore.

That few days before my coach inform me, I ordered a set of Boccia ball from Denmark (which is very expensive). I have wanted to buy the ball since last year but wasn't successful.

I yearn so to buy "my own set of the ball". When I ordered the ball, I felt so happy. I thought I can play in the coming competition, but never did I know that I would never get the chance to play anymore.

When my coach heard I have ordered Boccia ball, he helped me to find a buyer. Within a week, he found a buyer for me, he is also a Boccia player from Sarawak. I feel so thankful to God that He helped me to find a buyer in a short time. 

Though I was broken hearted, as I cannot play Boccia anymore. I'm not able to do anything but accept it..All Paralimpiad games will be my memory for a long time.

 

 

 

New medication for another month

Tuesday, 25 August 2020

 

Two weeks have passed since my last Psychiatrists follow up, so my appointment date 25/9 is here again.

Janice drop mum and me at 10.15 am. When we reached the department, wow I saw there are so many people in the waiting area. I called Janice to bring mum home as there were only a few sitting areas left for mum to sit.

After mum left I waited alone and wrote my journal. Around 45mins later, the counter staff called me to take a blood pressure test, I slowly wheeled myself to the back. Luckily when I reach the back of the room, there was no one taking pressure. So without waiting a lady staff took my pressure.

After I came back to the front, I waited until over noon when a lady doctor called me in. She talked and encouraged, she asked me to compliment myself in the little things I have done.  I ask her if there is any counseling session. She says have, then she wrote a letter for me and ask the counter staff to make an appointment for me on 3/9.

My doctor also asks me to continue the same dosage of the medication for another month. After finish, I came out and see there were people still waiting for the doctor.

I slowly wheeled myself downstairs and to the lobby, When I nearly the pharmacy I felt tired, luckily an Indian lady who passed by saw me and I asked her to pushed me.

Instead of calling Janice to fetch me, I book a Grab car (luckily there was a line for a book the car).  When the driver arrives, I have some problems with the car as the seat was slightly higher. The good Indian driver slightly carries me up to the seat.

Thank you, God, for helping me the whole morning and sending people to help me.